“At last, an excuse to wear makeup!” – Chief Wiggum
In our continuing mission to bring you only the finest in low class, low brow, and low tech internet Simpsons commentary we’re bringing back our “Crazy Noises” series and applying it to Season 21. Because doing a podcast smacks of effort we’re still using this “chatroom” thing that all the middle schoolers and undercover cops seem to think is so cool. This text has been edited for clarity and spelling (though, for comedy purposes, “cumly” has been left alone).
Zombie Simpsons likes to graft hackneyed plot ideas and story structures onto its one dimensional characters. Unfortunately, when groping blindly for concepts that have only been done a dozen or so times before, they don’t consider what kind of baggage comes along with them. Cheap comedy plots often have pointless “danger” sequences at the end that give the characters a modicum of cover to come to terms with whatever has been driving the plot forward. (If you’re familiar with the lesser works of Adam Sandler you know exactly what I’m talking about.) Take “Chief of Hearts”, which spends the last 20% or so of its runtime forcing Homer and Wiggum to re-bond because of gangsters. Why were gangsters hanging out in the woods? Why were Wiggum and Homer there in the first place? If they’re already in the woods why do they have to go for a drive? It’s best if you don’t ask those kinds of questions since there are no answers that don’t include the phrase “it’s because . . .”.
Anyway, we had a good time last night picking at some of the more obvious problems with this episode. The complete lack of jokes or satire were only the beginning.
Mad Jon: Anywho, you guys ready?
Dave: I’m a couple beers in. Let’s rock
Charlie Sweatpants: Initial thoughts?
Mad Jon: Mr. Burns I believe you asked for an opening tirade.
Charlie Sweatpants: Yes I did Kent.
Charlie Sweatpants: The fundamental problem with this episode is that it’s using a concept of romantic comedy that was tired in about 1985, and yet they believe that by grafting it onto Chief Wiggum it will be funny.
Mad Jon: I especially hate episodes that humanize characters known for only one thing.
Charlie Sweatpants: I would dispute your use of the word "humanize".
Mad Jon: Next there will be an episode about how lonely Disco Stu is or something.
Dave: Wiggum as an emotional trainwreck was special.
Charlie Sweatpants: Wiggum is eminently human, he’s massively corrupt and completely oblivious to the harm he causes other people.
Mad Jon: But seriously, Wiggum is a cop. A terrible, terrible cop. And that is why we love him. The only family or emotional stuff he should be responsible for is the occasional post Ralph comment-comment.
Moe tends bar, Krabappel teaches, Lovejoy preaches, and that’s that.
Dave: Completely agree. The insecurities he expressed in this episode were out of hand and not funny, which goes without saying
Mad Jon: And to top it all off, he gets shot.
Charlie Sweatpants: The only time he was ever – ever – sad while the show was still on the air was when he lost his job. Now he’s sad because . . . why?
Mad Jon: Because he lost the only friend he had or something.
Dave: Sarah won’t play ball?
Charlie Sweatpants: That would make sense if only we hadn’t seen him enjoying himself over and over again with the other cops.
Mad Jon: Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers.
Thank you Sarah.
Yes, which would also make sense if he was something other than a cop.
Charlie Sweatpants: I cite his love of pretzels in "So It’s Come to This", his burger conversation in "22 Short Stories", watching Itchy & Scratchy in "Krusty Gets Busted", and a bunch of others.
Mad Jon: Wiggum is supposed to only be around the two other cops, Lou and the guys whose name the beer has made me forget.
Charlie Sweatpants: Eddie?
Mad Jon: Yep, That’s it.
Keep it up and you’ll make sergeant one day.
Charlie Sweatpants: But only if you don’t put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
Mad Jon: Knock it off boys..
Dave: Ok, so we’ve established that Wiggum sucked donkey balls in this episode.
Mad Jon: Oh jeez, now I just feel like reminiscing about Wiggum quotes.
"Get his license and registration."
Charlie Sweatpants: Okay, I think we’re agreed on the fact that Wiggum was acting like a love struck teenager because the writers couldn’t think of anyone else to act like a love struck teenager. Damn you, Dave, for taking my segue.
Dave: It felt right.
Charlie Sweatpants: Fat Tony was also out of place here.
Mad Jon: So plot B then? A tired concept that was actually meaningful almost 10 years ago?
Charlie Sweatpants: I would say "almost meaningful" not "meaningful almost".
And besides that, a drug suspicion plot? Really?
Mad Jon: Ah, but to the rest of the world the Pokemon thing was quite the craze.
The drug thing was pretty retarded. And not in cute funny way.
Dave: Wikipedia says this wasn’t a riff on Pokemon.
Charlie Sweatpants: It’s like they’re channeling the most cliched parts of every family sitcom ever, only they’re not satirizing them, they’re using them.
Mad Jon: Perhaps the writers edited it before the Japanese could.
Charlie Sweatpants: Dave, what was it a reference of?
Dave: This is what they were "satirizing:" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bakugan_Battle_Brawlers
Mad Jon: They all look the same to me.
No offense Dave.
Dave: None taken. They’re a blur to me too.
Charlie Sweatpants: Wait, I’ve just spent 10 seconds skimming the Wikipedia article and I still don’t get it. Are there little toy robots that you play cards with?
Mad Jon: 10 seconds, you got me beat two fold.
Dave: There are cards of some sort.
Charlie Sweatpants: Oh wait, there it is, near the bottom.
Dave: Regardless, stupid.
Mad Jon: So no snowmen shooting carrots?
Charlie Sweatpants: "The game uses spherical, spring-loaded miniature figures, representing the Bakugan, which pop open when rolled onto special metal Gate cards."
Mad Jon: So maybe snowmen. And maybe carrots.
Charlie Sweatpants: Either way it’s getting shot onto Marge’s face, that ought to make some people happy.
Mad Jon: I didn’t think of it that way… neato. At least that should drive up search engine hits
So many people looking for Simpsons porn. It really is amazing.
Charlie Sweatpants: So we’ve established that they’re able to cite something that exists on Wikipedia. That doesn’t change the fact that the entire plot was based on the idea that Bart was dealing drugs, even though it was based on the kind of latent eavesdropping that only occurs on soap operas when shit needs to go down.
Mad Jon: That is true, and also I can’t believe Martin wasn’t in on the battle balls
Dave: How was the drug stuff resolved? I can’t remember.
Mad Jon: Marge found out it wasn’t drugs.
Charlie Sweatpants: Then it ended.
Mad Jon: Pretty much.
Charlie Sweatpants: Actually, "ended" might be too strong a word. "End" implies that there was a conflict. Then it "ceased" is neutral enough to actually describe what happened.
Mad Jon: It wasn’t alive anymore.
Dave: Wise conclusion.
Charlie Sweatpants: Speaking of "ceased", the whole locked in the trunk thing . . . um, huh?
Mad Jon: It was a reason to make a tire iron penis joke.
Charlie Sweatpants: There’s a marker of how far the show has degraded, penis jokes are beyond their powers.
Mad Jon: Yeah, that was pretty bad.
Charlie Sweatpants: While we’re here, can we rag on that awful "coma" thing?
Mad Jon: I guarantee it is the "Joke of the Day" or something on the Zombie forums.
Dave: What of the coma, Charlie?
Charlie Sweatpants: Well, it took up a shitload of time, and yet nothing but a montage happened.
Mad Jon: That actually happened? I thought I was in a coma or had gone to hell for 10 minutes only to be resurrected or something.
Charlie Sweatpants: No, it happened.
Mad Jon: That’s too bad.
It says here I’m supposed to get a pig every month…
And two cumly lasses of virtue true…
Charlie Sweatpants: It’s another mark of how un-creative the show has become that they had a coma montage, and all they could think to do was have Homer act stupid. I mean, they didn’t even use Ralph! Ralph-fucking-Wiggum was ignored because all they know how to do is make Homer act like a jerk.
Dave: Ralph had a forgettable line early on
Mad Jon: That is an excellent point. A Wiggum episode with like 2 lines for Ralph.
Swing and a miss. Strike 4
Charlie Sweatpants: And he’s the go-to character for Zombie Simpsons.
Mad Jon: Maybe they were feeling adventurous.
Charlie Sweatpants: Ralph could say "bucka-bucka" or "wuzzle-wuzzel" and the Zombie Simpsons fans would cheer, and yet, nothing.
Anyway, anything else here?
Mad Jon: Not from me.
Dave: I don’t ever want to hear "At Seventeen" used in a TV show ever again.
Charlie Sweatpants: It was a bad romantic comedy with an unconnected b-plot that made no sense. Is there anything else?
Dave: I think we’ve covered everything.
Mad Jon: Ok then. Now that’s out of our way and we can go back to enjoying our evening.