“Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.” – Nuclear Inspector
“I’m as shocked as you are.” – C.M. Burns
“Plutonium rod used as paper weight.” – Nuclear Inspector
“Oh, now that shouldn’t be. . . . Yeah, well, that’s always been like that.” – C.M. Burns
Happy birthday Wes Archer!
“You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve. Smithers, boil some coffee, we’re not licked yet!” – C.M. Burns
“Yes we are. Come on boys, the old guy’s finished.” – Campaign Manager
America’s biennial exercise in the most basic kind of math there is – counting – takes place today. And while there is unlikely to be any really useful information about just how large Kang’s victory margin will be until after 8pm Eastern time, that will not stop the internet, radio, and television (to say nothing of telegraph and telex machines) from pumping out breathless horseshit that precisely no one will remember by midnight. So instead of that, why not kick back and enjoy some election themed cartoons from The Simpsons (and its direct descendents)?
Here are some of the most appropriate episodes for the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November:
1. Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish
The quintessential election episode from Season 2, Burns’ run for governor contains such memorable scenes as the introduction of the hired political guns, the inimitable Charles Darwin infomercial, and Marge’s awesome defeat of Burns, which is so total that he’s “ruined before it hit the ground”. Some memorable political quotes:
2. Lisa’s Substitute
The school election is just a small part of this episode, but contains plenty of excellently cynical and sarcastic electioneering. Some memorable political quotes and moments:
3. Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington
This one’s more political than strictly electoral, but it excels at making fun of the civic religion than is American democracy and government. Some memorable quotes:
4 . Bart Gets an Elephant
This one isn’t so much electoral or political, but it does contain two perfect summations that still ring true today:
And:
5. Sideshow Bob Roberts
Along with “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”, this is one of only two times the show did an entire episode around electoral politics, and it is genius from start to finish. We got Birch Barlow, Republican Party Headquarters (which Zombie Simpsons still uses to much less effect), and tons more. Some memorable quotes:
6. Two Bad Neighbors
Like “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington” this one is more political than electoral, but there’s been a Bush on the national ballot for six of the last nine elections, and plenty of people wanted Jeb to run this time. Some good quotes:
7. Much Apu About Nothing
The vote for Proposition 24 is more of a background issue in this episode, but it still has plenty of memorable moments. Including:
8. Treehouse of Horror VII
The “Citizen Kang” segment from Season 8 is wall to wall:
9. A Head in the Polls (Futurama Season 2)
Helping to ensuring that even those of us far too young to remember the evil heyday of Nixon will forever be traumatized by the man from Whittier, Futurama didn’t just bring Nixon back from the dead, they brought Nixon back from the dead and installed him as President of Earth. Memorable electoral quotes:
10. Decision 3012 (Futurama Season 7)
Futurama 2.0 is clearly inferior to the original, but it’s been able to put out some very decent episodes, including this less than subtle political tale from earlier this summer. Some of the better quotes:
11. All the Duke’s Men (The Critic Season 2)
Al Jean and Mike Reiss’s lost classic put together one of the best political satires of its time with this episode where Jay’s son Marty runs for class president and Jay’s boss Duke Phillips runs for actual President. Great political quotes:
Any one or more of the above makes for fine Election Day viewing while you’re waiting to find out which alien planet we’ll be destroying after we’re all enslaved.
“Burns, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to bribe me.” – Nuclear Inspector
“Is there some confusion about this? Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo.” – C.M. Burns
“Wait, come back! You can’t do this to me! I’m Charles Montgomery Burns!” – C.M. Burns
As an audience member, there are few things more satisfying that a good defeat of a wretched villain. Unfortunately, that also means when things go wrong, when the villain is bland or the ending is weak, it is correspondingly unsatisfying. At the end of the “The Book Job”, Homer and his improbable posse use what Lisa describes as an idea from “every movie ever” to stymie a book publisher who, despite what the music would have you believe, isn’t all that evil. I say “stymie” instead of “defeat” because it isn’t at all clear that what he’s doing is evil or that he’d be in any way displeased with the results; and I say “book publisher” instead of his name because he’s so bland he didn’t get a name. By contrast, at the end of “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”, Marge permanently defeats Mr. Burns’ run for governor with nothing more than her wits and the three eyed fish that was in the first scene.
For a really enjoyable villain defeat, you need to have a proper villain do terrible things so that people really want to see him lose, which Zombie Simpsons naturally doesn’t. The nameless book publisher doesn’t commit any crimes, hurts no one, and hardly seems all that evil. What is his offense, exactly? Editing a book that was deliberately made to be crappy and formulaic? Only on Zombie Simpsons could rewriting mass produced schlock be considered a sin.
The only evil thing about this guy are his fashion accessories.
Mr. Burns, one of television’s great villains, hardly needs describing, so let’s just concentrate on what he’s trying to do in “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”. After his plant miserably fails an inspection, he’s faced with a hefty but by no means ruinous repair bill. Instead of spending money on fixing the plant, his response is to purchase the governor’s office so he can continue running his business in a manner that will one day render the planet uninhabitable. The Simpsons being The Simpsons, it’s played for laughs, but when you think about what he’s trying to do it’s truly despicable. The other guy just wants to sell a few books that, while low brow, don’t harm anyone and actually seem to make quite a few people happy.
Beyond his lack of evil though, the bad guy in “The Book Job” doesn’t actually get defeated. At the end we see that the book, trolls and all, is quite popular. The bookstore has given it lots of shelf space, and kids and geeks are reading it avidly. Since all he wants to do is make money selling books, and he doesn’t care at all whether the book is about trolls or vampires, he’s actually won. The million dollars he paid to Homer’s goofy gang of the suddenly hyper-competent is a small price to pay for the runaway bestseller and budding franchise he appears to have on his hands.
The opposite happens to Mr. Burns, who sees himself humiliated on television and his campaign for governor thwarted on the eve of success. Best of all, Burns is defeated by his own villainy. His disregard for polluting the water is what allows Marge to defeat him.
In short, the nameless book guy isn’t evil and doesn’t lose. Mr. Burns is unlimitedly evil and is utterly beaten. One of those is a great ending, the other is Zombie Simpsons.
“Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon.” – TV Announcer
Everything is a bit of a duketastrophe here in the States on account of Thanksgiving. But there will be a Crazy Noises tomorrow and there will quite likely be some kind of Reading Digest on Friday. Please stay tuned for paid political announcements brought to you by the Friends of Kang & Kodos:
No, I don’t know why YouTube is in stretched widescreen now. Yes, here’s another one:
“Oh no, an election? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars, isn’t it?” – Barney Gumble
“Sorry, Barney.” – Moe
“Mr. Burns, I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.” – Lisa Simpson
“She’s right. Take me home, Smithers. We’ll destroy something tasteful.” – C.M. Burns
Happy 20th Anniversary to “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”! Original airdate: 1 November 1990.
xkcd #523
“Visual aids help so much, thank you.” – C.M. Burns
This week we’ve got a graph about The Simpsons Movie and what must be one of the earliest examples of flow chart humor from none other than Matt Groening. There’s also the rare case of double excellent usage, some very poor usage, some merchandise, and a security company that sucks at the internet.
Enjoy.
Living in an abbr. world – Paraphrase or not, this is poor usage:
Now I must admit that I grew up in the 1980s as part of the MTV generation so my attention span is pretty limited. Even Lisa Simpson, in an episode of The Simpsons, commented that (and I’m paraphrasing here) “we grew up in the MTV generation so we have an attention span of less than a minute.”
That is just stunningly poor usage. It mixes up two quotes, misidentifies the speaker as Lisa instead of Bart, and makes up the rest. What’s worse the actual quote about the “MTV generation” is about experiencing neither highs nor lows, not having a short attention span. Bart can’t remember what happened eight minutes ago, but that’s just because of television in general.
City’s biggest ‘Simpsons’ fan lives in Queens – Attention reporters, headline writers, or anyone who does anything approximating reporting or headline writing: Buying a lot of shit does not a Simpsons fan make. That said . . .
PINK SIMPSONS TSHIRT – MAGGIE SIMPSON – GIRLS SIZE 2 – This is an eBay item out of Australia. I stole the picture because I think it’s a good example of what decent crappy merchandise looks like. It’s a shirt for babies (assumedly female but in my experience kids that young don’t give a shit) with Maggie on it. She’s fallen down (as she often does) and she’s thinking about Bobo (whom we know she adores). In other words this shirt has something to do with the character we love. It’s not Lisa surfing or Patty & Selma on the prowl for young men.
Useless stuff that you don’t need but want anyway – Apparently you could buy the soundtrack to the movie in a plastic donut case:
When I first saw this delicious CD case I thought it was a cute idea. Then after reading the description a little further I realized that it is more of a collector’s item than a cutesy practical product. This doughnut case isn’t a frosted pouch that holds many discs in it’s adorable pinkness. No, it stores just one CD – the Simpson’s Movie Soundtrack. Really?? I think a doughnut case for numerous CDs would have gone over a lot better than a one-seater 3D pastry for a crappy soundtrack to a stupid movie.
Ah, but the merchandising was half the point of doing the movie. I will say that if they had released a pink donut CD case fifteen years ago (when I still carried around CDs) I might have wanted one.
The Good, The Bad, & The Summary – The Cleveland Cavaliers are having a good season. John Hnat cannot decide which superlative Simpsons quote applies better:
I am not sure which Simpsons exchange applies more to the current Cavs. Either this one:
Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: Who do you find more attractive? Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson?
Judge: What is the point of all this?
Lawyer: I feel so confident of Marge Simpson’s guilt, I can waste this court’s time by ranking the super-hunks.
Or this one:
Homer (referring to "Reader’s Digest"): My favorite section is "How to Increase Your Word Power." That thing is really, really, really … good.
In other words, I’ve run out of superlatives. After watching a season and a half of the Cavs playing ball at a roughly .800 clip, I don’t know how else to praise them.
There are a couple of minor misquotes there (the magazine is technically Reading Digest not Reader’s Digest, the second line from the Lawyer is missing a few words), but they’re piffling. Double excellent usage.
My Top Five Favorite TV Mustaches … Ever: – Flanders is #1! Hooray.
Toys I live with… Kang and Kodos – Remember those Kang & Kodos dolls we noted months ago? If you click on the link you can see what they actually look like out of the box.
The Bart Simpson Syyndrome – This is a blog post. The blog is the official blog of a company that sells “security” gizmos. It has been in operation for six months, it has eight total posts. In addition to misspelling the word “syndrome” in the title it badly misquotes Bart:
"It wasn’t me man you can’t prove a thing".
Wow, that’s bad. It’s one thing to get a quote wrong, it’s quite another to screw up a catchphrase and do it so poorly as to completely leave out the most famous part, “I didn’t do it.” 
The rest of the post goes on to tout the company’s surveillance cameras that allow you to feel like James Bond as you secretly spy on your employees, baby sitters, spouses, pets, houseplants and furniture. As you can see from the image I grabbed at right, this half hearted stab at an on-line marketing trend that was all the rage five years ago has not yet attracted any followers. Shocking.
What People Remember From "The Simpsons Movie" – I find this amusing and basically accurate. If anything the “SpiderPig” percentage should be larger:
Found on amiable_hacker’s cheezburger page via A Friday Night Spent Alone.
Sidekicks Who Rock – It’s a list of four sidekicks, two of them are animated, three of them are fictional and one of them is Milhouse.
Event: Nancy Cartwright Talks Trash – This is a little too thin for one of our Alumni Update posts, but Nancy Cartwright will be playing in a charity poker tournament.
Nelson Totally Looks Like Barney – I’d vote against this one (any two characters drawn Simpsons-style kinda look alike), but that’s just me.
List ‘Em Carefully – The Top Ten Songs from The Simpsons – The bottom two spots are from Zombie Simpsons. Everything in the top eight is from Season 7 or earlier. I can easily think of two other songs to cleanse this of Zombie Simpsons (nothing from Shary Bobbins?), but it’s pretty good as it is. (via Finicky Ears)
Your Guide to Modern Love!!! – Click the link for a chart Groening drew in 1982 for “Life in Hell”. For all I know this has been kicking around the internet forever, but it’s new to me and it’s both cynical and funny as hell. I particularly like the various endpoints (“Ahh—So what?”, “Whew—That was a close one.”, “Live [un]happily ever after”) and the fact that “Night of Passion and Romance” has three possible outcomes, “Ecstasy”, “Limited or no satisfaction due to ineptitude, flagging desire, or ickiness”, and “Weird dysfunction of some sort that’s never happened before.” Found via Twisted Cultural Wreckage.
Both the current mayor of New York City and his predecessor attempted to stay in office for a third term. Rudy Giuliani was thwarted in his attempt, Michael Bloomberg had the foresight to change the rules well in advance and now looks set to hold his job past what terms limit laws originally dictated. As five time voters for Mayor “Diamond” Joe Quimby, The Dead Homer Society is, quite obviously, opposed to term limits in all their forms. However, that does not mean that Mr. Bloomberg is the most qualified candidate in this fall’s New York City mayoral contest.
Mr. Charles Montgomery Burns has proven time and again that he is an effective administrator. He was an early, albeit unintentional, advocate of homosexuals in the work place, and his generous hiring policies also extend to water fowl and recent immigrants. His business acumen, legal adroitness, and managerial potency have allowed him to successfully navigate the often rocky shoals of American business since early in the last century. Despite ruthless and repetitive government investigations he and his exemplary operation have never suffered a single legal setback, a remarkable track record in this day of incorruptible and diligent public officials.
A man of science, his character was proven on the battlefields of Europe before he returned home to master the atom. He is also a noted sports enthusiast, whose knowledge of baseball extends well into the 19th century and whose jai alai skills are legendary. But don’t think of this man as an elitist, he is a frequent guest at the homes of his beloved employees.
In short, Monty Burns is an American patriot and a titan of industry that hasn’t lost the common touch. His qualifications and lifetime of achievement more than make up for the fact that he is fictional. We heartily endorse Mr. C.M. Burns for Mayor of New York City.
A couple weeks ago thetwocents.com had an interview with new Simpsons power broker Morgan Spurlock. The whole thing is worth reading, but there is one thing I wanted to flag.
Q: What will the special entail?
MS: Well, for me I think that the special will entail kind of us talking about the history of this show. I think the reason that they called me to begin with was to not have a show that would kind of be a glad-hand, pat everyone on the back special. We really want to dive in and find the interesting people, the interesting stories, the things that are a little more than just like a typical kind of “look how great we are” kind of special. And so for me, that’s why really trying to root it in the fans and the people who really kept this show on the air for the last 20 years I think is important and kind of hearing how people have been affected by this.
He’s saying the right things here, but I’ve got my doubts. Obviously he’s not going to produce the kind of Zombie Simpsons hit job that would cause me to stand up and applaud. I’m okay with that and certainly the show deserves to be celebrated; but if he’s really serious about “root it in the fans” he’s going to run into the fact that a lot of self described fans will say that the show isn’t even remotely as good as it used to be. Not everybody takes that opinion as far as we do here, but it’s common enough that I’d have no trouble calling it the majority opinion.
Obviously I have no idea what Spurlock’s special is going to be like, but when it comes to the treatment of the decline of the show he’s really only got three options:
The closer he gets to #3 the more honest the special will be, though my money would be on some weak sauce version of #2 with #1 as a distinct possibility.
Ultimately this isn’t important in the least. This special is going to air on FOX once and then pretty much disappear down the memory hole. But if it’s going to be about the fans there’s no getting around the fact that many/most self described fans think the show has significantly declined in quality. Even the awesome and indefatigable Adam at Simpsons Channel thinks so. From the comments on this post:
If I hadn’t learned to TRY to enjoy every remaining episode this site would have been dead in the water long ago
C’mon Spurlock, don’t ignore us. We don’t want much, just a little recognition of our viewpoint.
MS: Well,
for me I think that the special will entail kind of us talking about the history of this show. I think the reason that they called me to begin with was to not have a show that would kind of be a glad-hand, pat everyone on the back special. We really want to dive in and find the interesting people, the interesting stories, the things that are a little more than just like a typical kind of “look how great we are” kind of special. And so for me, that’s why really trying to root it in the fans and the people who really kept this show on the air for the last 20 years I think is important and kind of hearing how people have been affected by this
