This Is Not a Personal Attack

“That was the worst movie I’ve ever seen.” – Principal Skinner

I do not know anything about Don Payne, who is credited, if that is the right word, as the main writer of last week’s flash-back, conspiracy theory, magic tomato sauce mess. He might be a great guy; he might be an asshole. I don’t have an opinion either way, nor do I care. I do know that on his IMDb page he is credited, if that is the right word, with having written My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Fantastic Four 2. I’ve never seen the former, though I’ve heard bad things, but the Silver Surfer movie was unwatchable. Mad Jon and I got through it with a very big assist from Rifftrax, but even with Nelson, Murphy and Corbett we came close to just turning it off several times. It is that bad. Embedding was disabled on YouTube, so if you want to torture yourself, go here and click “Watch Sample” to see some of what you’re not missing.

Then I found this “local boy makes good” article in the Wilmington Star-News. Setting aside the “Wildcats” thing, there is this troubling passage from the end:

Though film remains his passion, he loves being a part of the “Simpsons” universe. Besides, it can’t last that much longer, right?

“Right now I’m thinking, eh, two more years,” Payne said. “But who knows?”

First of all, film is his passion . . . and he wrote those movies? More importantly, two more years? What an unpleasant thought.

To be fair, his Wikipedia page (citing an earlier interview with the Star-News), has his favorite episodes listed as “Itchy & Scratchy & Marge”, “Lisa’s Substitute”, “Like Father, Like Clown”, “Marge vs. the Monorail”, “The Simpsons Spin-off Showcase”, and “Behind the Laughter”. That’s a pretty solid list, but it doesn’t make “Take My Life, Please” any less crappy nor abrogate responsibility for the dialogue in Fantastic Four 2.

C’mon Nielsen households, sweeps is in March this year. I’m not asking you to do anything radical like turn off your television; I’m just saying, you can probably find something better on at 8:00pm on Sundays.

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