Reading Digest: Unpossible Edition

Lisa on Ice4

“I won!  I won!” – Ralph Wiggum
No, no Ralph.  This means you’re failing English.” – Principal Skinner
“Me fail English?  That’s unpossible.” – Ralph Wiggum

This week we’ve got two . . . “rambles”? I guess is the best word . . . about the Simpsons.  They’re not so much written as they are spewed, it’s really amazing.  There’s also two links to people who believe in the power of magical thinking: one of whom I have to commend for excellent usage despite their magical thinking, and another that combines magical thinking with an inability to write the word “crony”.  On top of that there’s some weird tattoos, “ABU”, a dubbed clip from “Marge on the Lam”, grammatical objections from someone who (unlike so many others this week) can actually write, and a twelve-year-old who’s a much better poet than me. 


The Simpsons Season 1 Episode 4 : There’s No Disgrace Like Home S01E04 – This is among the most incoherently written things I’ve read in a long time.  For example, I have almost no idea what this means:

Rather, we were delivered an episode that transpired from thirteen other episodes which were aired periodically from 1989 to 1990. “There’s No Disgrace Like Home” added some improvements, spiced things up with some new additions and then included some bonuses to keep us from discovering the news.

Everything at that site is in English, but I can’t help but get a distinct Google Translate feel from things like that. 

Humor: Notes Simpson ‘s Best. – This one isn’t even up to the standards of Google Translate.  Observe:

Characters of the story is important to viewers.

Father Homer voting by Dan Castellaneta and his father. Homer Abe his crude, overweight, wireless,.

It goes on like that.  I have seen many words used to describe Abraham Simpson, but until this day “wireless” was not among them.  On the plus side, once you’ve been sufficiently confused by the writing, there’s YouTube of Milhouse and Bart’s Squishy bender.  (You could probably just skip the text and scroll down, I guess.) 

Funny Tattoos – Crazy Tattoos – Quite a few crazy tattoos here, including one of Bart that makes creative use of someone’s navel. 

Top 10 Inventions You Didn’t Know Were Canadian – I guess I didn’t “know” that the goalie mask was invented by a Canadian, but I’m pretty sure I could’ve guessed correctly if asked.  Homer (named after Groening’s father) is #1; though I think Walt Disney at #3 is a bit of a stretch. 

Life Imitates The Simpsons – again – I’ve gotten into it around here with nutjob global warming deniers before, but I’ve got to admit, this is excellent usage:

How could this go wrong?  I cannot help but be reminded of the Simpsons episode ‘Bart’s Comet”:

Kent: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action.  We go live now via  satellite to the floor of the United States congress.

It goes on from there, and except for one small thing (the unnamed Congressman actually says “Wait a second”, not “Wait a minute”), it’s dead on.  Funny enough, something even closer to this actually happened two months ago

Lemmy From Motörhead Sends Homer Simpson To Hell – The title’s a little misleading, it’s just a homemade Simpsonized Lemmy.  But that doesn’t mean it isn’t cool. 

If Bart Simpson is so poplular, why is is best friend (Milhouse) a geek? – I really shouldn’t expect much from a discussion board on a website dedicated to New Age hokum.  (Homepage: “Create the most fertile community in the world for people to manifest their Intentions!”, uh, yeah, I’ll get right on that.)  The fact that up in the corner they proclaim themselves an “authorized distributor” of “The Secret”, while amusing in an oxymoronic sort of way, isn’t a good sign either.  Still, I laughed at this:

Because Bart has to have a crone to manipulate into mischief…. Someone with a higher vibration would have Bart doing the dirty work, and someone with a lower vibration is probably that one bully kid that goes around saying, "ha ha".

So, wait, if Bart could be manipulated by a higher “vibration”, then how come Nelson’s “vibration” is lower?  He can bully Bart around, can’t he?  Also, this word “crone”:

THE SIMPSONS TALKING ABU KWIK E MART OWNER 2007 BK TOY – This is en eBay item, and you don’t even need to click to see what’s wrong with it.  The description compounds it:

ABU is the owner of the Springfield Kwik-e Mart.

As far as I know, Abu was Aladdin’s monkey sidekick.  (And, like so many animated animals, was voiced by Frank Welker.) 

Steve Jobs suggests Blu-ray isn’t coming to Macs any time soon – Both poor and excellent usage.  Here’s the poor usage, from the opening:

The Simpsons once had an episode which, in passing, showed newscaster Kent Brockman announcing "And now here is a list of celebrities that have been arrested", with a zip-fast list scrolling up the screen.

The actual quote is, “And tonight, the following celebrities have been arrested.”  Now, here’s the end:

Oh, and since you wanted to know who was on the celebrities list, here it is. And to quote Kent: "Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous."

The final quote is dead on for excellent usage.  (And the link goes to our friends at Simpsons Crazy.)

World Cup 2010 Review: How Nike Backed All the Wrong Horses – Remember that stupid Nike World Cup video that had Homer in it for some reason?  Well, everyone in it failed.  Ha. 

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows – YouTube of Ruth and Marge speeding away from Wiggum and Homer, but dubbed into (what might be) Spanish, except once the Lesley Gore song starts, then Wiggum sings in his normal voice.  Odd. 

But I can’t help it… – On beginning sentences with the word “but”.  Also contains excellent usage of the time Bart called into Moe’s looking for “Seymour Butts”. 

Holiday Weekend – Hooray America:

Let us celebrate the birth of our country by blowing up a small chunk of it by setting off some fireworks(completely butchered “Simpsons” reference).

“Word Play Poem” by Brandon Lee Bjornson (age 12) – A neat Simpsons poem, and check out this lovely comment:

loved it,
I used to watch the show and it has been more than 12 years…

The Duplicated Man (1953) – How do you review a fifty-seven year old sci-fi novel whose title promises duplicated men but takes a very long time to actually duplicate one?  By invoking Milhouse, that’s how:

Of all the many phrases The Simpsons has introduced over the years, I’m not sure any of them have stuck with me as unshakably as “When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?” from “The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show.” Milhouse utters this tearful lament while watching the retooled iteration of The Itchy & Scratchy Show featuring the first appearance of the hip, demographically tested new character of Poochie, a “kung-fu hippie from gangsta city.” Poochie appears as Itchy and Scratchy make their way to the mayhem-promising destination of a fireworks factory, as announced by signs reading “Fireworks factory: 1 mile,” etc. Only they never get there, due to being sidetracked by Poochie’s antics.

Hence the lament. I can’t recall how many times Scott Tobias and I have left a movie and ended up talking about the “when are they going to get to the fireworks factory” problem. It isn’t just us, either. I think that phrase and all it implies has crept into the collective subconscious. Hence the impatience when Lost or Battlestar Galactica or what have you appears to veer off-course from a satisfying conclusion. We’ve seen the signs—you better take us where we want to go.

All of which is an elaborate way of saying this: If you read The Duplicated Man hoping for a lot of action involving duplicated men, you’re going to spend a lot of time wondering when you’re going to get to the fireworks factory.

That is excellent usage. 

I’d Like To Call It “Fropupo,” If I May – By way of explaining some made up words, the author got two Treehouse of Horror episodes confused.  I was going to point that out, but someone in the comments was already on it.  Simpsons geeks: we’re everywhere.  You cannot escape. 

3 Responses to “Reading Digest: Unpossible Edition”

  1. 1 blackwatertown
    2 July 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Thanks for the mention – But I can’t Help It…

Comments are currently closed.


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