Archive for August, 2010


“The Old Man and the Key” Makes Baby Jesus Cry

Bart on the Road3

“What is this place?” – Nelson Muntz
“Branson, Missouri. My Dad says it’s like Vegas, if it were run by Ned Flanders.” – Bart Simpson

This episode has a lot of problems, most glaringly the heavy dependence on referencing pop culture, going so far as to have a truly dizzying array of guest voices all playing themselves. But that wackiness comes only at the end, by that point the episode has devolved into a nonsensical series of set pieces that have almost nothing to do with the fact that it slowly becomes a travel episode about Branson, Missouri. (Nevermind that they already went there in Season 7, the Zombie Simpsons people sure don’t.) Sorry for rambling, but there isn’t a coherent way to describe this.

What makes it all the more tragic/frustrating/sad is that there was the germ of a good episode in here. The very first moments of the commentary are spent discussing Jon Vitti, who penned this and a tiny number of other Zombie Simpsons episodes after he left the show in Season 7. Vitti had an idea for a plot about how old folks homes are vicious little nests of social squabbling that put junior high to shame. But that concept is dropped almost immediately so that Grampa can go on a weird adventure and then the family can follow him into the land of car chases, childish plot conceits, and celebrity guest voices.

Six people on this one, including Caroline Omine as the token female.

0:35 – Vitti wrote this, but had the good sense not to show up for the commentary. He read an article about how retirement homes are filled with cliques, cool kids and dorks and that was the basis for the first, oh, three minutes of this.

1:40 – “I wonder how many people were fooled by this opening? Where they really thought, ‘Are they killing off Grampa’?” Uh, no one?

2:00 – This is the episode that has “Old Man Yells at Cloud” which they point out is something that gets used a lot by other people.

3:30 – Jean points out that all these jokes at old people’s expense are getting closer and closer to their age bracket. Might be a good idea to stop then, eh?

4:10 – Discussing the “Yessss?” guy and Frank Nelson. Not really talking about much, just sort of informing each other about a character they all vaguely remember.

4:40 – Omine points out that they use the real Ray Jay Johnson here and how “we’d done” a joke about him earlier, presumably referencing “Krusty Gets Kancelled” in Season 4. For the record, Omine’s first credit is Season 10. Rest of the non-Jean commentary people on this episode:

Carolyn, fellas, The Simpsons used Ray Jay Johnson as an example of something that wasn’t funny. You used him straight up to be funny. Draw your own conclusions.

5:00 – Now Jean chimes in on that theme to talk about how he didn’t think that notorious recluse Mr. T would want anything to do with the show, but, here’s the kicker: he did want to be on the show! This has been another True Hollywood Story.

5:15 – Another straight up point: old people have high accident rates in cars. Just in case you didn’t know that.

5:35 – “Now, this was before Grampa and Selma got married.” Holy crap, did that actually happen?

5:45 – Slight giggles at “Old Man Yells At Cloud”.

6:25 – Discussing the fashionable history of the zoot suit.

6:30 – Long silence as Homer’s in the car on Grampa’s date for some reason.

7:00 – Jean breaks the uncomfortable silence by talking about how Branson, Missouri is a real place. They’re getting all defensive that people might not get some of the jokes because the entertainers they’re “satirizing” are so very old.

7:35 – They’re surprised they were able to do a Viagra joke. They’re so impressed with it that they sit silently at watch it for the twenty five seconds it takes to tell.

8:00 – That long, erectile silence is broken briefly to note that Grampa gets laid twice this season. That’s followed by more silence.

8:25 – Silence again temporarily broken to note that it’s unusual for Grampa and Lisa to fight. Now, back to the silence.

8:50 – Silence broken after Grampa runs up stairs for no reason, here’s the exact quote:

“Now, Olympia Dukakis, she’s related to governor Dukakis, right?”
“Yes, both Greeks form the Northeast.”

Coming up next week on another hilarious Zombie Simpsons commentary, obscure relatives of Barry Goldwater and Al Gore!

9:00 – Nervous giggling at Homer’s “switcheroo” with Grampa.

9:40 – Overly expensive leather jackets, like Branson Missouri, actually do exist. For about the third time this episode:


10:30 – Now they’re talking about how they have Simpsons jackets.

11:00 – Now they’re talking about the Christmas presents they got from the show this year. It’s the GPS with Homer’s voice that gets people lost.

11:45 – More half remembered reminisces about where else they’ve seen the other old guys.

12:00 – More nervous laughter at one of their “cheats” (since there’s no hill near the Simpson house). I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: they know this stuff is weak, and they do not care.

12:50 – Long silence again.

12:55 – After Jean describes Dukakis’ character in this scene as “senior sexy”, someone (can’t tell who) chimes in that Helen Mirren is sexy. After pointing out that has nothing to do with anything, they discuss Mirren in detail.

14:00 – Jean discusses the difficulty of doing “radio” jokes because you’ve got to be aware of what’s going to be on screen while you do it.

14:35 – Discussing repeated backgrounds in animation, like it’s an innovation.

15:15 – More laughing at the cheap nature of the plot.

15:55 – Discussing hobos.

16:45 – Talking about Branson. Like, talking about what’s actually there. With the exception of laughing at a joke or two, no one has said anything relevant about the episode in about two minutes.

17:55 – “Maybe I’m getting older, but this show actually seems pretty entertaining to me.”

18:20 – Discussing the former popularity of Ray Jay Johnson. At this point they’ve spent more time explaining jokes than doing anything else.

18:45 – Still talking about Ray Jay Johnson.

19:20 – More hesitant laughter.

20:00 – Long silence as the plot finally dies.

20:40 – Now I’m confused. In discussing what for all appearances is Yakov Smirnoff talking with Charlie Callas, they keep mentioning “Bizarro”. Then they get into this long discussion of how many ways “Bizarro” and Smirnoff could negate each other. Perhaps my pop culture knowledge is rusty/non-existent on the subject, but I don’t think Charlie Callas ever had anything to do with Bizarro. Google appears to back me up, although Callas did apparently once play Sinestro in a 1979 live action superhero teevee special. It’s just weird.

21:20 – The family waving over the credits is from The Beverly Hillbillies. As a fitting end to this awful episode and desultory commentary, Jean reminisces about the reunion episode of Hillbillies. From Wikipedia:

The film’s plot had Jed back in his old homestead in Bugtussle, having divided his massive fortune among Elly May and Jethro, both of whom stayed on the West Coast. Jane Hathaway had become a Department of Energy agent and was seeking Granny’s "White Lightnin’" recipe to combat the energy crisis. Since Granny had gone on to "her re-ward", it was up to Granny’s centenarian "Maw" (Imogene Coca) to divulge the secret brew’s ingredients. Subplots included Jethro playing an egocentric, starlet-starved Hollywood producer, Jane and her boss (Werner Klemperer) having a romance and Elly May owning a large petting zoo. The four main characters finally got together by the end of the story.

First, Colonel Klink! Second, there are at least three plots in there they could use for Season 22/23.


Quote of the Day

“Homer. Give him what he wants.” – Barney Gumble
“Aw Barney, leave me alone.” – Homer Simpson

(door slamming)
“Oops.” – Barney Gumble
(glass breaking)
(woman screaming)
(police siren)
“Uh oh.” – Barney Gumble


Quote of the Day

Homer's Phobia4

“It’s camp!  The tragically ludicrous?  The ludicrously tragic?” – John
“Oh yeah, like when a clown dies.” – Homer Simpson
“Well, sort of.” – John


DHS Editorial: Glenn Beck Is Right About Almost Everything

Homer the Great4

“Please sir, you’re destroying my establishment.” – Low Life Commoner
“We just created the greatest democracy on Earth, you low life commoner!” – Founding Father

The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp some two hundred years ago, and very little has changed.  It stank then, and it stinks now.  But yesterday, Glenn Lee Beck lead a rally to purify the air in that fetid cesspool.

We have lots of names for Glenn Beck: bum, deadbeat, loser, scum of the Earth.  We’d like to sweep him into the gutter, or to some other out of the way place.  Oh, we have our reasons.  He’s depressing, he wears ragged clothes, he’s “crazy”.  He smells bad.

This is where his fans, if not the great man himself, might object.  But wait, we’re going somewhere with this.  Because Glenn Beck is the truest of American heroes.  Hardly one man in a hundred is able to reach the plateau of patriotism that Beck has, that uniquely national place where his interests perfectly and seamlessly meld with those of America.  Pardon our French, but l’etat c’est Glenn.

Too many of us are easily distracted by the swirl and bustle of the media complex; caught up in passing fads and ginned up journalistic firestorms, we lose sight of the bigger picture.  Mr. Beck does not.  Out of the cyclonic, internecine fracas of modern discourse, he has discerned two immutable truths.  First, that the only genuine way to show faith in America is the purchase of capitalist gold.  Second, and the reason for this editorial, that The Simpsons is “the funniest show ever written on television”.

We can laud him for the first truth quickly.  It is self evident that the hoarding of a precious metal whose value increases with human misery is a patriotic duty.  Wags and pundits may cluck their tongues, stroke their beads and talk about the supposed hypocrisy of pitching apocalyptic investments while claiming to be on a mission to save the United States.  But Mr. Beck is playing a deeper game.  By calmly and civilly expounding on the potential horrors that await us, Beck is fighting against disaster while still preparing for it.  His self-effacing and admirably altruistic mission to bring the true teachings of Martin Luther King, Jr. to the prosperous, melanin-free portion of the citizenry that had initially rejected them is to be wholly commended.  An MLK who is anti-inequality and anti-war is the exact kind of vile “progressive” revisionism that Mr. Beck so routinely skewers with imperceptible logic and impenetrable reason.

It is on the second point where Mr. Beck makes a rare and uncharacteristic stumble.  It goes almost without saying that the rank debasing of fatherly authority on television was instigated by the cultural revolutionaries of the 1960s.  In turn, that led directly to the buffoonish, anti-American caricature of the television patriarch that is Homer Simpson.  Mr. Beck has the perspicacity to realize that this was not the result of nebulous and uncontrollable cultural trends, but rather an amply documented and maliciously directed decades long plot to smear the good names of Jim Anderson, Steve Douglas, and Ward Cleaver*.

Despite his usually keen ability to separate hard-nosed conservative wheat from effete liberal chaff, however, has Mr. Beck truly embraced the uncaring and irresponsible dervish that passes for Homer in Zombie Simpsons as the real item?  The snobbish superman on display in Zombie Simpsons is a perfect socialist fantasy.  He changes jobs regardless of skill or qualification, never displaying any thought for the economic prospects of his employers.  He has no regard for his own health or well-being, relying on America’s overly generous system of emergency rooms to cure him of all ills.  His deliberate and self-interested behavior at almost every opportunity is a socialist fantasy writ large: no responsibility, no consequences, and certainly no failure.  In Zombie Simpsons, every day is Everybody Gets a Trophy Day.

How a man as clear eyed as Mr. Beck can fail to recognize this ultimate expression of an obvious forty-year-old hippie plot is beyond the authors of this editorial.  Homer Simpson once stood for the deserved and perpetual failure of lazy, non-Randian slobs; he took comfort in un-luxurious housing, unionized job security, and the immaterial love of his family.  Failure to condemn those peasant-like pleasures is tantamount to condoning them.  For shame, Mr. Beck.

*Yeah, they were gay. 


Quote of the Day

Homer's Night Out2

“Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man.  I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock punching ilk.” – C.M. Burns


Quote of the Day

“Ugh. Back to the loch with you, Nessie.” – Groundskeeper Willie


Reading Digest: Foreign Usage Edition

Much Apu About Nothing4

We’ve got excellent usage from all over the globe this week.  And I mean all over, from Cambodia to Lebanon to Ireland.  There’s even a wonderfully titled blog from the UK.  In addition to that we have iPads for sumos, an evil talking Krusty doll, several people doing sketches, and a homemade Simpsons table I would love too much to ever put anything on.  Oh, and Season 13 came out this week, but I don’t care about that.


40 Movie References From The Simpsons – This is Smooth Charlie Apollo’s Click of the Week.  We’ve linked to these types of things before, but this is epic.  Plus, I’d never heard of Sorcerer or The French Lieutenants Woman.  Those shots certainly looked like they came from something, and now I know what.  Is it time for a jungle adventure with Roy Scheider?  I think it is. 


Report: Big-fingered sumos given iPads – Excellent usage:

To fans of "The Simpsons," this storyline may also sound vaguely familiar.

In one episode, the character Homer grows so fat that his sausage-shaped fingers are too big to punch the keys on his phone.

As he’s struggling with this, he gets an automated message: "The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now."

When I had a television with no remote, I used to use a reaching stick to change the channel.  Seriously. 

Simpson Meets Dali: The Simpsons and The Persistance of Memory – Since it looks kinda old and it’s got Groening’s name in the corner, I kinda doubt that the Flickr user created this (happy to be wrong!), but this is still very cool. 

Evil Krusty DollSimpsons Evil Krusty the Clown doll Large Plush Talking – Yup:

RARE, large plush Krusty the Klown good and evil talking doll, it has a switch on its back so u can switch from good to evil.

With pull-string.

That’s cool, and I love the teeth.  I’m not saying I’d want to own it, but at least it’s merchandise that’s actually from the show.  I wonder if one of the things it says is, “It’s a little hot for that cheerleader outfit, don’t you think?” 

Ma bi’asser: Lessons for life from Lebanon – More excellent usage:

The great contemporary thinker, Homer Simpson, once gave his beloved son, Bart, three lessons to get him through life: “Number one: ‘Cover for me.’ Number two: ‘Oh, good idea, boss.’ Number three, ‘It was like that when I got here.’” Ignorance of these basic lessons has led to the loss of many opportunities in my life.

Guest Post: Paolo on Time Travel! – This is about weight loss and the motivational power of theoretical time travel.  Also, there’s this:

To borrow a quote from The Simpsons:
Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
Bart: That’s right, man. I got my first taste of authority…and I liked it.

Excellent usage.

D’oh: 8 ways to Simpsons-ise your Apple iphone/ipad/MacBook – Pretty much exactly what the title says. 

Ode to a personal ad – Click through for the picture and a bonus quote:

Lavalife may trump the magazine ad these days, but Jasper’s strategy is just as relevant.

Also, from the same site, look at the third image here.  “Bart the Lover” is on a roll over at Ironclad Folly. 

Anything to keep Mother Nature karm! – This is about walking and has almost nothing to do with the Simpsons.  But great blog titles must be saluted, and “We’re all Lost Socks in the Laundromat of Oblivion” is a fantastic one. 

Let me tell you about the time I….sold my first condom – I’ve never sold anyone a condom, I’ve given them to people, and I have vivid memories of the first time I bought one, but never sold.  This story is better than any of mine, and quite funny.  Plus it comes with this:

When I was 17,
I drank a very good beer,
I drank a very good beer
That I purchased with a fake ID.
My name was Brian McGee,
I stayed up listening to Queen,
When I was 17…..

To be my usual nitpicky self, it’s actually “some” not “a” very good beer, and there’s no “that” before “I purchased”.  Other than that it’s spot on; and since it’s so entertainingly apt, it’s still excellent usage. 

House is not a Meme – Hugh Laurie creepily photoshopped to look like Milhouse. 

Can’t Beat Kennedy Friday 08/27/10 – Further proof that you’ve got to check your IQ at the door with FM radio.  This is a five question quiz:

1. The Simpsons just released season 13 on DVD. Name all 3 of Homer & Marge’s kids in that series?

Bartender?  Another round please, there’s some stupid I need to forget. 

Here’s cheers: a toast to well-being – People quote and misquote this line so often I don’t always link to it.  But I’ve never linked to “Cambodia’s Newspaper of Record” before, and this is still excellent usage:

AS THE famous cartoon guru Homer Simpson once remarked: “A toast to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.”

Bravo, Phnom Penh Post

Dial Z for Zombie or Z o m b i e s >> V a m p i r e s – Reasons zombies are fun.  Reason number four for liking zombies speaks for itself:

4) The Simpsons. Nuff said!

That’s a YouTube link, by the way. 

The 12 heaviest drinkers in TV history – Barney’s #9.  #8 would’ve been funnier.  Bender, understandably, checks in at #1.  (via Springfield Springfield’s Twitter)

Custom 10" Homer Simpson Toy2R Qee by DrilOne – Customized crappy merchandise looks much cooler, but is still just crappy merchandise. 

Bart Simpson drawing-Miley Cyrus-Stay. – This is someone sketching Bart with a Miley Cyrus song playing in the background.  The best part’s at the end where you get to see not only the completed Bart drawing, but also ones for Lisa, Milhouse and Smithers. 

Simpsons Mosaic Table is the Best out of Waste! – This, on the other hand, is definitely fan made and fucking awesome to boot. 

How to draw Homer Simpson – – This is a video, it is quite short, and even if I had the software I still couldn’t do any of it. 

The Top Ten Lines From A Cartoon – Hmmm, it’s actually fifty, but there’s a lot of Simpsons here.  And while there’s also some Zombie Simpsons (boo), it’s toward the bottom.  The good stuff is on top.  (Also, nice WordPress theme.)  

Edward Kean, Chief Writer of ‘Howdy Doody,’ Dies at 85 – Ready to learn something?  Good:

After leaving “Howdy Doody” in 1955, Mr. Kean worked for several public relations firms. But music was his passion, and for many years he was a lounge pianist at hotels and clubs in Miami and Detroit. He once said that he was probably best known for coining the word “cowabunga” (originally spelled with a “k”) as a greeting for Chief Thunderthud, a character on the show. The word has become part of American vernacular, used by the cartoon character Bart Simpson and by the crime-fighting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

“You know,” Mr. Kean said, “I tried to get my phone number listed as Cowabunga Kean, but couldn’t get them to do it.”

I did not know that. 

Tee of the Day – I always knew that stuff about the Earth’s core being made of iron was bullshit.  It’s obviously a clown’s nose.  (via Springfield Springfield’s twitter)

Ten reveals new digital channel Eleven as future home of The Simpsons and Neighbours – You Aussies are about to get the show on a new spin-off channel. 

What’s Blu This Week – And finally, the topic I don’t want to discuss.  Question:

Simpsons: Season 13:  Yes, this show is still on, and still funny.  Why not go with it?

Answer: because only half of your first sentence is true. 


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