DHS on the Road


“I’m tellin’ ya, all a man needs is an idea, and I’ve got an idea!” – Herb Powell
“Then how come you’re still a bum?” – Hobo
“Alright, a man needs two things: an idea and money to get it off the ground.” – Herb Powell

NOTE: Brooklyn October Simpsons Trivia here I (hopefully) come!

With the exception of some specific memories of the show and occasionally referring to my backbreaking, mind numbing labor, I try to keep my personal life off of this blog. Dave, Mad Jon, and myself started this as a Simpsons site, and even though I’ve gradually all but taken it over like some kind of not giving up school guy, I can’t make this a 100% pure Simpsons space. I like the idea of that in theory, but in theory communism works.

In stupid reality, which we all have to face again sooner or later, my real job has slowly eroded out from underneath me. Where once there was a prosperous Flancrest Enterprises, now there is but a roughed up and near destitute CompuGlobal Hyper Mega Net.* The bad news is that my personal finances are now in such a state that dying in the gutter is almost the only thing that is practical and within my means. The good news is that we have so few customers and potential customers left that I can throw off the shackles of the work-a-day world and follow a dream, of sorts.

(*Incidentally, this site owes its existence to the 2008 crash that crippled our business. Our sudden lack of customers gave me a lot more free time, and instead of taking up smoking, I pestered my friends into starting this site with me. As much fun as it’s been, I still really wish that cardboard cutout of George Bush Junior had never run for President.)

Donald Trump’s America isn’t going to last long, barely enough time for a half chewed piece of fish to hit the ground. I’m going to spend the  weeks between now and its November 8th landing observing the human peep show that is America’s political life. Since I haven’t deposited any forty-thousand dollar checks that haven’t cleared yet, I will be doing this on the utmost cheap, by bicycle and mostly sleeping in a tent.

Click here if you’re interested in my ideas, wish to subscribe to my newsletter, or just want to understand what the hell it is I’m doing on my little adventure. Truth be told, I’m not entirely sure; but the most likely outcome is that it will be just another detached piece of modern alienation. If you want to stalk me like Lenny and Carl, there’s also my oft neglected personal Twitter feed.

As for what’s going to happen on DHS, the Quotes of the Day will still have a home here, but we will also also learn about nutrition, self esteem, etiquette, and all the lively arts. I’ve also learned in recent weeks that once I’ve been on the bike for an hour or two, I don’t have any heavy head to carry anymore and can watch Simpsons episodes with a vile burlesque of irrepressible glee. Hopefully there will be a lot more of the sweet, beautiful, oxygen deprived drunk talk that informed my recent ramblings about “Lisa’s Substitute” a few weeks back, which I wrote fifty miles into a sixty mile ride.

Beyond that, I’m hopeful that my route will take me to the C.H.U.D. infested hellhole of New York City for Classic Simpsons Trivia on October 6th. Trying being the first step towards failure, I can’t promise that I’ll be there, but I promise that I’ll try to try. In the meantime, keep watching the skis.

(This may all backfire on me like a trip to a gay steel mill, but since I have no choice, I’m taking the alley.)

17 Responses to “DHS on the Road”

  1. 1 Anonymous
    9 September 2016 at 2:08 pm

    God speed little doodle

  2. 3 Anonymous
    9 September 2016 at 2:12 pm

    Perfectly cromulent post!

  3. 4 Bleeding Gums Murphy
    9 September 2016 at 7:18 pm

    Internet is not the best place for conversations like these. There’s a lot of information being lost when you’re restricted to pure text…

    I do not what to say. We don’t tend to imagine people we know and follow for years to be in really bad finantial/emotional problem. We just prefer to imagine everybody lives in the Land of Chocolate, where we can fire Lennys and win the Superbowl. Maybe this is the proof democracy doesn’t work.

    This comes as a total surprise. I hope thing start to improve soon.

    • 5 Stan
      11 September 2016 at 6:05 pm

      I hope this websites just dies early into 2017. I haven’t watched any single new Simpsons episode for years, and, upon watching the classic ones, I’ve realized that I somewhat hate that show, it’s no less meaner than Animaniacs (which I never got anyway) and feel no sympathy for any of it whatsoever.
      The classic eps were still funnier than Seth’s bullshit, but, like Nostalgia Critic put it recently, weird is the new brilliants. I gave these new shows a try and found out that they’re indeed amazing.

      Shut this website down, Charlie. Enough is enough.

  4. 8 Gabbo
    9 September 2016 at 8:08 pm

    I’ll be giving Ganesh an entire bottle of yoo-hoo tonight and hoping things start looking up.

  5. 9 Kokairu
    10 September 2016 at 2:52 am

    So sorry to hear this Charlie. New venture sounds interesting and I’ll be checking it out.

    I’m on the mobile version of the site so not sure if there’s a “donate” link here. If not would you consider adding one?

  6. 10 Tipsy McStagger
    10 September 2016 at 7:14 pm

    Sorry about your current problems. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

  7. 12 madeofghosts
    12 September 2016 at 8:02 am

    You Are Charlie Sweatpants

  8. 13 frank
    12 September 2016 at 12:30 pm

    seriously, this site taught me how to better critique and subsequently enjoy my on-screen entertainment and i will be forever grateful for that!
    best of luck Charlie!

  9. 14 Noah P
    12 September 2016 at 7:00 pm

    Best of luck to you, Charlie. Stay strong!

  10. 15 Cal
    15 September 2016 at 5:45 pm

    Regardless of what you do with DHS, though I hope it continues for as long as Zombie Simpsons does and even longer, I thank you for all your hard work and thoughtful, well-researched, eloquent posts and essays about the decline of “The Simpsons” into Zombie Simpsons. You’re a talented writer with good grammar and punctuation (a rarity on the internet) so I’m sure that could translate into something lucrative. Politics, maybe?

    (I’m not sure what I thought Charlie looked like in person, but 6-foot-3 with a shaved head was not it.)

  11. 17 Anonymous
    17 September 2016 at 8:10 pm

    Would happily donate a few bucks to help you out for all the reading over the years

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