“Tonight, on Eyewitness News, a man who’s been in a coma for twenty-three years wakes up.” – Kent Brockman
“Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?” – Coma Guy
“No, she won an Oscar and he’s a Congressman.” – Kent Brockman
“Good night!” – Coma Guy
“You son of a bitch! . . . Good show!” – Emily Winthrop
Happy birthday, Tracey Ullman!
“Floor feels a little gritty here.” – Ned Flanders
“Yeah, we ran out of floorboards there so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever!” – Moe
“We now return to the twenty-seventh annual Krusty the Klown Telethon for Motion Sickness.” – TV Announcer
“Timpani! . . . Woo-hoo! I love you people! I love my kids! Poor little guys, so tragic, so nauseous. You should see the bus they came to the studio in.” – Krusty the Klown
“There are three things wrong with my costume. Anybody names those three things will get my hat.” – Mr. Bergstrom
“I believe I know the answer.” – Lisa Simpson
“What’s your name?” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Lisa Simpson.” – Lisa Simpson
“Well, go ahead miss Simpson.” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Um, one, your belt buckle says State of Texas, but Texas wasn’t a state until 1845.” – Lisa Simpson
“Very good.” – Lisa Simpson
“Two, the revolver wasn’t invented until 1835.” – Lisa Simpson
“That’s excellent.” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Three, you seem to be of the Jewish faith.” – Lisa Simpson
“Are you sure I’m Jewish?” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Or Italian.” – Lisa Simpson
“I’m Jewish.” – Mr. Bergstrom
“And there weren’t any Jewish cowboys.” – Lisa Simpson
“Very good,, that’s excellent! And I’m also wearing a digital watch! But I’ll accept that, here you go little lady. And, for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen, big guys who were great shots and spent money freely!” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Big shots with their stainless steel lunchboxes. . . . They get donuts?” – Homer Simpson
“That’s right. All the colors of the rainbow!” – Donut Guy
“It’s a Krusty Kinda Kristmas!, brought to you by ILG, selling your body’s chemicals after you die, and by Li’l Sweetheart cupcakes, a subsidiary of ILG.” – TV Announcer
Merry Christmas, everybody!
“And, do you drink?” – Merry Widow Insurance Guy
“I do enjoy a snifter of port at Christmas.” – Homer Simpson
“Smithers! I want my tea!” – C.M. Burns
“Doesn’t it bother you that he orders you around like that?” – Marge Simpson
“Oh, actually, I value every second we’re together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning til I tuck him in at night. He’s not just my boss. He’s my best friend, too.” – Mr. Smithers
“Bah! Too hot!” – C.M. Burns
“You’re right, sir. It’s scalding me as we speak.” – Mr. Smithers
Happy Birthday, Harry Shearer!
“Hey, anybody mind if I server as bartender? You know, I have a PhD in mixology!” – Ned Flanders
“Pfft, college boy.” – Moe
“Cheer up, we’ll catch this guy!” – Chief Wiggum
“Uh, Chief, um . . . ” – Lou
“What? You can’t rule it out.” – Chief Wiggum
“Clear!” – Homer Simpson
“Oh, for Pete’s sake.” – Marge Simpson
“The pig is in the poke.” – Homer Simpson
“You know, I really don’t care for that code name.” – Marge Simpson
“I didn’t know they still made TV dinners this bad.” – Homer Simpson
“The last bar in Springfield. If they don’t let me in here, I’m gonna have to quit drinking.” – Homer Simpson
“Yay!” – Homer’s Liver
“Shut up, liver! . . . Oww, my liver hurts.” – Homer Simpson
“Oh, Springfield Elementary, I will have you back again! After all, tomorrow is another school day!” – Principal Skinner
Happy Simpsons Day, everybody! Today marks the 30th anniversary of “Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire” and the beginning of the best ten-ish year streak in television history. I’m sure there are a lot of retrospective pieces up around the internet today, but as you can tell from the near total lack of substantive posts around here, I don’t think there’s much left to be said, so you’re on your own for finding them.
About that total lack of posts: I was hoping to change that starting today, but deadlines are made to be blown. I’m currently in the middle of a rush of real job work, getting over a major hump in my gigantic side project, and moving at the end of the month. So time is scarce.
However, I’ve been plotting a renewed DHS for long enough now that I don’t feel entirely silly disclosing the rough plan. For starters, the site is going to get a facelift. Ten years on the same WordPress theme seems like enough.
As far as actual posts go, I have two ideas that I think would be fun and sustainable as far as time and effort go. The first is to get back into doing Spews Truth From Every Orifice, where I write up the DVD commentaries from good seasons. I’ve only ever listened to maybe a third of them myself, and I figure there’s enough to eat up several more years of this blog’s lonely existence on this has-been planet orbited by a cold indifferent sun.
The second is something I was vehemently against when we started this blog back in 2009: lists. Listicles have a deservedly poor reputation for the simple reason that they’re easy to do and hence mostly thrown together as filler. While I want to avoid warmed over drivel like top episodes or funniest quotes or “times the Simpsons predicted the future”, I think there are commonalities between episodes that lend themselves well to listing, plus it spares me from having to come up with transitions between topics/episodes/whatevers.
Finally, if and when I get some Simpsons posts up around here, I’m also planning to vent regularly about movies and other TV shows, old and new. Some of this will be the hottest of hot taeks about stuff that’s already had too much commentary (the new Star Wars is probably going to be bad, HBO Watchmen fell apart badly in the last three episodes and I don’t know why it’s getting universal praise, and the real reason the Marvel movies are forgettable ephemera: weak villains), some of it will be meta-criticism about the shitty state of movie and TV criticism itself (or at least the stuff I see), and some of it will be praise (fulsome and otherwise) of lower profile stuff I stumble across and end up liking.
So, it’s my usual promise: more posts! And my usual disclaimer: but not now! However, this time there is a plan (sort of).
In the meantime, please go enjoy some ye olde Simpsons on this Simpsoniest of days. Or just re-read my loving take on that very first episode. Happy Simpsons Day!
“What are the odds on Santa’s Little Helper?” – Homer Simpson
“Ninety-nine to one.” – Ticket Booth Guy
“Wow! Ninety-nine times thirteen equals merry Christmas!” – Homer Simpson
Happy Simpsons Day everybody!
“Gentlemen, I give you Britannia! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles! And, best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits! Fresh from the streets of Sussex, they are.” – British Guy
“Freshen your drink, gov’nor?” – Sussex Girl
“Now we just sit by the mailbox and watch the money roll in.” – Homer Simpson
“But you’re going to annoy thousands of people just make a few measly dollars. It’s nothing but panhandling!” – Marge Simpson
“Tele-panhandling.” – Homer Simpson
“It’s so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.” – Lisa Simpson
“Marge, it happened again.” – Homer Simpson
“What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?” – Bart Simpson
“Lois Sandborne.” – Lisa Simpson
“Steve Bennett.” – Bart Simpson
“You said this monkey would be sweeping the floors and cleaning the gutters. And now he just lies there, struggling to breathe.” – Marge Simpson
“What do you want? His cholesterol’s through the roof.” – Homer Simpson
charliesweatpants.com
(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
The Mob Has Spoken