“Tonight, on Eyewitness News, a man who’s been in a coma for twenty-three years wakes up.” – Kent Brockman
“Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?” – Coma Guy
“No, she won an Oscar and he’s a Congressman.” – Kent Brockman
“Good night!” – Coma Guy
“You son of a bitch! . . . Good show!” – Emily Winthrop
Happy birthday, Tracey Ullman!
“Floor feels a little gritty here.” – Ned Flanders
“Yeah, we ran out of floorboards there so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever!” – Moe
“We now return to the twenty-seventh annual Krusty the Klown Telethon for Motion Sickness.” – TV Announcer
“Timpani! . . . Woo-hoo! I love you people! I love my kids! Poor little guys, so tragic, so nauseous. You should see the bus they came to the studio in.” – Krusty the Klown
“There are three things wrong with my costume. Anybody names those three things will get my hat.” – Mr. Bergstrom
“I believe I know the answer.” – Lisa Simpson
“What’s your name?” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Lisa Simpson.” – Lisa Simpson
“Well, go ahead miss Simpson.” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Um, one, your belt buckle says State of Texas, but Texas wasn’t a state until 1845.” – Lisa Simpson
“Very good.” – Lisa Simpson
“Two, the revolver wasn’t invented until 1835.” – Lisa Simpson
“That’s excellent.” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Three, you seem to be of the Jewish faith.” – Lisa Simpson
“Are you sure I’m Jewish?” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Or Italian.” – Lisa Simpson
“I’m Jewish.” – Mr. Bergstrom
“And there weren’t any Jewish cowboys.” – Lisa Simpson
“Very good,, that’s excellent! And I’m also wearing a digital watch! But I’ll accept that, here you go little lady. And, for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen, big guys who were great shots and spent money freely!” – Mr. Bergstrom
“Big shots with their stainless steel lunchboxes. . . . They get donuts?” – Homer Simpson
“That’s right. All the colors of the rainbow!” – Donut Guy
“It’s a Krusty Kinda Kristmas!, brought to you by ILG, selling your body’s chemicals after you die, and by Li’l Sweetheart cupcakes, a subsidiary of ILG.” – TV Announcer
Merry Christmas, everybody!
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(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
The Mob Has Spoken