“Human roaches, feeding off each other’s garbage, the only thing you can’t buy here is dignity.” – Mayor Quimby
It is the stated position of the Dead Homer Society that the fount of filthy lucre that is crappy Simpsons merchandise is a major reason behind the continued existence of Zombie Simpsons. Merchandise generates twice as much cash as the television show, and the continued production of new episodes has been explicitly linked by people at FOX to licensing revenue. And while one person’s purchasing decisions wouldn’t even register as a rounding error on that mountain of money, why buy things that support Zombie Simpsons, especially when they tend to be cheaply manufactured garbage?
With that in mind, here is the official Dead Homer Society Xmas Gift Guide. These are all homemade or repurposed Simpsons items that won’t put a penny towards next season’s production budget. And if you’re wondering if I got all of these by searching Etsy for Simpsons stuff, you would be correct. All prices are in US Dollars, though most items have non-US/Canada shipping available. Isn’t this better than clock radios that can’t be plugged in and horribly deformed Krusty dolls?
Art
5 pc Simpson Hand Painted Russian Nesting Doll – $55 – For some reason Bart, not Homer, is the largest one here, but these are actually from the Ukraine so who cares?
Homer Simpson framed original pop art, Neil Jam style – $13 – Homer is staring back at me with his dead eyes:
Limited edition signed numbered audrey hepburn simpson fine art print – $45 – Time for breakfast at Margie’s:
Bags/Wallets
A Homer Simpson Christmas Tree Reusable Bag/ Tote – $7 – Homer stands with a Christmas tree made of Duff on the side of this all purpose reusable bag.
Homer Simpson Not-so-Handyman – $7 – Another Simpsons bag from the same source as the one above. This one isn’t Christmas themed, but it would make a nice gift.
The Simpsons/Groundskeeper Willie Mini Duct Tape Wallet – $7 – A compact wallet that just wants to know if you’ve got any grease.
Simpsons Trifold Wallet – $12 – This wallet has plenty of space for your membership cards in the Elks, the Masons, the Communists, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance, and the Stonecutters.
Naughty Bart Simpson drawstring bag for library, toys, sheets, cotton – $9.50 – Nice little Bart Simpson bag.
Where’s Bart Wristlet – $4 – A small Simpsons zippered pouch.
Simpsons Coin Purse – $6.50 – That’s right, a purse!
ipod blackberry itouch cell phone case SIMPSONS – $12 – A small Simpsons case for your small electronic device.
Simpsons Wallet – $22 – From merry old England comes this impressive use of recycled materials:
This wallet is made from recycled Simpsons caramel biscuit packets, encased in a super sturdy vinyl. Lisa, Bart and Homer also feature on the inside.
There are 5 inside pockets made from the same clear vinyl, allowing the features of the wrappers to show through.
Bridal? Bridal.
Marge & oo Homer SIMPSONS Wedding Cake Topper Simpson 1 – $98 – If you’ve got a wedding cake that needs topping you could do a lot worse. I don’t think they come to life and have little parties at night, but I could be wrong.
wedding garter BART SIMPSON bridal set white – $26 – Yep, it’s a Bart Simpson garter. I would try to catch that so hard. (Here’s a blue one.)
Clothing & Such
Bart Simpson inspired Flannel Blanket – $30 – Bart looks like undersea explorer Bart Simpseau here.
Adult size full apron made with vintage Simpsons bed sheet by Kiss Me Designs – $20 – That is a very vintage Simpsons bed sheet alright, and the apron looks great to boot.
Hand Felted Wool Slippers. Can be made in 2 days. Bar(t) Simpson – $56 – That looks more like Homer in the picture, but I guess you can get whatever you want. Holy crap do those look warm.
Stonecutters ID Reel – $9 – I would love to walk into one of those buildings where you need to wear ID at all times with this clipped to my shirt:
Have you always wanted to belong to a secret society? Perhaps one that participates in the failure of both the metric system and the electric car? The Stonecutters might just be for you. Now shhhhut up. It’s a secret.
8 Simpsons Pinback Buttons – $7 – Some classic quotes, though I continue to wonder why people spell Jebus with two “e”s.
Jewelry
The Simpson’s – Bart Simpson – Guitar Pick Earrings – $2 – Not exactly the height of fashion, but that’s not why you’d wear these, is it?
Donut stud earrings (pink sprinkles) – $20 – Mmmm, earrings.
Cartoon Skateboard Sk8 Charm Pendant Necklace Skater Chain – $12 – With skateboard lingo, no less:
Cartoon figure and his red and green signature striped skateboard is so sick! A 1.25" metal charm pendant on a chrome-finish silver-tone 23" ballchain necklace. He is throwing down mad skills on his board! He’s got on a fierce-cherry-red tshirt and some blue shorts with matching blue hightops.
Kids
Child’s apron and chef’s hat set with utensils – $35 – From Australia comes this Bart Simpson apron and hat for ages 4-10.
Skater Bart I Spy bag – $15 – A homemade toy for your tiny Simpsons fan in training.
The Simpsons Oversized Baby or Toddler Bib – $4 – Speaking of children, how about a bib with the whole town of Springfield on it?
BART SIMPSON KIDS/TRAVEL Pillowcase – $5 – Pretty much what it says.
Baby Simpsons Shoes – Elastic Fit – $15 – Cute little Simpsons shoes for infants.
12 Crayon The Simpsons Caddy Roll-Up – Crayon’s Included – $9 – On the go crayon coloring.
Miscellaneous
Naked Homer Simpson,with added bits – $60 – A standard Simpsons doll, denuded of clothing and given that which man has always had but dolls usually lack. A little pricy, but just imagine the look on someone’s face when their eyes first alight on Homer’s dong.
The Simpsons – Homer, Smithers, Lenny, Mr. Burns, the Ace of Clubs and the Ace of Hearts Playing Cards Organic Upcycled CAT TOYS with Feathers – $5 – Six cat toys for one low price, and they know their market:
Is your cat sick of all the time you spend watching The Simpsons when you could be feeding or petting him?
Well now your cat can have it his way with these six fun toys!
Superior Intellect (SALE) – $1 – If you’ve got to send out holiday cards, why not quote Kang & Kodos on something done on an old fashioned letter press?
Choo Choo Choose You 8 x 10 Matted Print – $25 – Tell someone you love them with a Ralph Wiggum quote that will last.
Simpson Corkboard – $50 – You could hang a lot of D- tests on that.
Custom Itchy & Scratchy Simpsons Coffee Table – $379 – And finally, this thing ain’t cheap, but look at it. Just look at it:
Excellent.
Tell Aaronson and Zykowski:
charliesweatpants.com
(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
The Mob Has Spoken