Posts Tagged ‘Burns’ Heir


All Downhill

Chalkboard - The Fool Monty

“Gimme your fortune or I’ll pound your withered old face in!” – Nelson Muntz
“Oh, I like his energy.  Put him on the callback list.” – C.M. Burns

Once the overwrought couch gag finally ended, and I think it may have been longer than Avatar itself, Zombie Simpsons had a secret media conspiracy inside the Statue of Liberty.  To my astonishment, it was actually funny.  To no astonishment whatsoever, the rest of the episode was not.  Even by the filler-rific standards of Zombie Simpsons, the last, oh, seventeen minutes or so of this episode were filler-rific.  Burns’ odd suicide alone took nearly a minute, and that was before the usual round of poorly executed slapstick, long form exposition, and about three different endings, each one longer than the last. 

The numbers are in and they are worse than ever.  Last night’s self referential crapfest was suffered through by a mere 6.63 million viewers.  That’s half a million people lower than any fall episode from last year and the second lowest fall number ever.  That record, 6.19 million viewers, is held by Season 20’s “The Burns and the Bees”, and I have great hope it will not hold that title much longer.  There is only one Sunday left in November, and Zombie Simpsons typically only has one or two new episodes in December before going dark for the oddball weeks around Christmas and New Year’s, so there are two or three chances. 

Last week’s number, by the way, was revised down from 8.97 million to 8.83 million.  Through six episodes, Season 22 is averaging a mere 7.79 million viewers.  The first six episodes of Season 20 averaged 9.19 million, and Season 21’s number was 8.29 million.  Notice a trend?  I sure do. 


Reading Digest: Detailed Analysis Edition

Burns' Heir3

“Look, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.” – C.M. Burns
“I think it’s a rock, sir.” – Mr. Smithers
“We’ll see what the lab has to say about that.” – C.M. Burns

This week’s post is bookended by long analyses of two separate episodes, “Rosebud” and “22 Short Stories About Springfield”.  In between those, there’s a fad of which I was unaware, Simpsons takes on famous photos, some usage, and my own (mildly) detailed analysis of a very lazy essay about teevee dads. 


All Homer Needs Is Love – An oddly formal essay comparing Season 5’s “Rosebud” to its source material, Citizen Kane.  Long story short, Homer is capable of love, Burns and Kane are not. 

The Simpsons do iconic photos – Pretty much what it says, stills from the show that match famous photographs.  Sadly, there’s some Zombie Simpsons here, but not much, and on the whole it’s quite neat. 

Grandpa Simpson gets a writing gig – Excellent usage.

Guess What I’ve Got – More caption fun with Mr. Burns and the mystery box.

Today’s Newest Sign of the Apocalypse: Silly Bandz – This illustrates the stupidity of a fad I had not heard of with YouTube of Homer, Herb and the drinking bird.

Burn Down the Houston Tire Fire – Some of the follies of the city of Houston entertainingly examined through some of the city of Springfield’s. 

Where And What To Watch – It’s not claiming to be a quote, but it’s a bit off:

Kathe Donovan was reportedly on the short list for LT Gov. but she did not get it…just in case you have been living in cave. On Mars. With your eyes closed. And and your fingers in your ears ( not my joke, actually – credit Sideshow Bob’s brother Cecil from an episode of the The Simpsons )

That’s moderately good usage.  For the record, the actual quote is, “Goodness, I had no idea!  For you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut, and my fingers in my ears.”

Quote: Burns On Work – This is blog – Wage Slave Revolt – about the stupidities of modern American toil.  This post is just the quote form Burns before he decides to build robot workers in “Treehouse of Horror II”.  Excellent usage. 

Army Preps ‘Unblinking Eye’ Airship for Afghanistan – This has basically nothing to do with Simpsons.  The Army is getting itself three long endurance surveillance blimps, and since they stay aloft for so long the guy from Northrop Grumman used the term “unblinking eye”.  The Army is already very busy “crossing the desert”, but when will we stop pussyfooting around and bring the “Paddling of the Swollen Ass” to Afghanistan? 

Changing roles of TV fathers – I didn’t know they still let people use canards this freely.  I mean, this is hacktacular to many powers of ten:

After the Vietnam War and Watergate scandal, American idealism was breaking down and so were our father figures.

Yowza.  You don’t even need to be a professional writer to be embarrassed by that sentence, as a human being you should just naturally feel shame for something so utterly vacuous.  The rest of the article is scarcely better, tracing a long and meandering line through dimly remembered pop culture from the 1950s through today.  Bor-ing.  Also, have you ever actually watched these shows?:

“The Simpsons” started a wave of deplorable, idiot dads (looking at you, “Family Guy”) who need more mothering by their wives than their kids. Homer Simpson (D’oh!) was more often seen drinking, belching and tripping up rather than doing any real parenting. Likewise, Al Bundy on “Married With Children” was another anti-dad who would rather be anywhere else than with his family.

"It used to be that father knew best, and then we started to wonder if he knew anything at all," says Matt Roush, senior television critic at TV Guide Magazine. "Dads became bumbling fools and the butts of jokes."

The point, you have missed it.  Family Guy did indeed get its start as a low rent Simpsons clone, but both Al Bundy and Homer Simpson were direct responses to the teevee dads of yore.  Their genesis had nothing to do with how America treats or views its father figures, they were created to satirize cliche ridden sitcom dads.  And it’s not like Al and Homer were the only sitcom dads on the air at the time; the late 80s and early 90s were rife with regular old family sitcoms from the anodyne “Growing Pains” (seven seasons) to slightly irregular fare like “Major Dad” (four seasons) and “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” (six seasons).  Hell, those were the years of “Alf” (four seasons) and his relatable human family.  Each of those programs had cookie cutter teevee dads, and none of them is mentioned in this shallow and stupid article. 

Homer Simpson – Sleeping – Use Firefox?  Like those “personas” that act basically as skins?  Here’s one of Homer sleeping. 

Marge Simpson VS. Troll : Bad Hair Contest – This has YouTube of Marge taking Bart’s Troll doll.  More importantly there’s this:

Then Alex showed me this video, :D makes me like the Simpsons, I’m more of a Futurama fan.

This is the damage that Zombie Simpsons does.  Another self identified Futurama fan who (by all appearances) has not seen Season 6’s “Bart’s Girlfriend”.  Among it’s many brilliances, that’s the episode that gave us Willy and the wee turtles, the “Probably misses his old glasses” thing where Homer calmly contemplates the murder of his own son, and, of course, Scotchtoberfest. 

The Curse of Monty Burns – Evaluating the stats from the 1992 MLB season of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant ringers. 

Simpsons Classics: 22 Short Films about Springfield – This is from No Pun Intended and deserves its own post, but I just never got to it this week and it’s my best chance to end with someone else ragging on Zombie Simpsons.  Besides, I’ve never read Ulysses and the only thing I know about Berlin  Alexanderplatz is that they made a really long movie out of it.  (And I learned that from The Critic.)  In what I assume is a meta-wink to the episodic nature of the source materials, Tim has broken his piece into smaller pieces so that the footnoting scheme restarts almost every paragraph.  But don’t let that deter you, the system works well and is very readable:

They are very static characters, and there are very few scenes that feature Moe but not Homer, just like there are few scenes in which we see Milhouse but not Bart. They will get the occasional one-liner at the opening or close of a scene, but largely, these secondary et al. characters are there to interact with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and even Maggie. I mean, the Simpsons even appeared in Wiggum P.I. and The Love-matic Grampa in “Simpsons Spin-off Showcase.”*,**

*Our Phil Hartman retrospective sadly did not include what I think may be my favorite Troy McClure line ever: “Spin-off! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?”

**In fact, this is related to one of my BIG pet peeves with later episodes of the show, in which the Simpsons play an unrealistically large part in the lives of other Springfieldianites.

Co-sign me on that last part.  About the only thing he doesn’t mention is the Frink bit at the end, which is funny on its own, but also reinforces the fact that there really isn’t enough time to tell all the stories.  This is not a short post, but it was a very pleasant read. 


Real Life Simpsons Intro from Estonia

“That midget taught me a lot about his native Estonia.” – Lisa Simpson

What is it with the former Soviet republics this week?  Hot on the heels of the “Samsonadzes” comes this kickass live action Simpsons opening from Estonian TV3 (via Coilhouse):

I am speechless at the power of its awesomeness and I don’t even get most of the jokes.   The general tenor of vague medievalism really makes it work.  I’m not even sure what my favorite part is, the candles in band practice?  The way Estonian Homer is working with an actual glowing rod?  That he almost gets hit by a horse drawn cart?    The angry townspeople?  Epic, epic win on this one. 


Quote of the Day


“Oh go eat some flowers!” – Bart Simpson


“(shrieks) My secret shame!” – Homer Simpson


Friday Link Dump – Excellent Usage Edition

Burns' Heir2

“Ohh, he card reads good.” – Homer Simpson

There are several examples of people getting their quotes right and using them in context this week.  Also there’s another amusingly out of date cranky old guy (he doesn’t like swearing and backtalk), a woman who hates shorts and Simpsons merchandise made in Chinese prisons.

If you’re overweight and looking for love, it pays to be a man – You mean that different standards are applied to men and women?  I’m shocked.  What does this have to do with The Simpsons?  Well, nothing really, but the story has a picture of Homer and Marge.  It’s all about the page views, baby.

Free massage chairs located at great risk of public ridicule – Using Homer’s vibrating chair to illustrate an article about massage chairs.  There’s no quotes so it doesn’t really count as usage, but it is a cromulent citation.

‘If They Knew About My Situation . . .’ – Shoddy Simpsons merchandise, here exemplified by Homer Simpson slippers, is sometimes made by Chinese prison labor.  Can’t say I’m real surprised by this.

Top 5 TV Dads – Homer’s #2.  Based on the vague description of Homer I’d say the guy is only a casual fan, which makes this all the more illustrative:

When the Simpsons begins this fall it will be the 21st season of the show, making it the longest running sit-com ever.

The Simpsons was very emphatically not a sit-com.  Zombie Simpsons most certainly is.

The things we do for ‘American Idol’ – Some Dallas Morning News journalists have to get up at 4:30 in the morning to cover American Idol tryouts.  He quotes Bart’s famous “There’s a 4:30 in the morning now?”  Excellent usage.

Of mad men* – This is an article about how Catholic saints were often not very nice or very saintly.  It appears in BusinessWorld Online.  I don’t know why.  But it does quote Bart (“Now’s our chance to be bad!”) when referring to St. Augustine of Hippo.  More excellent usage.

Ready to Wear: On the catwalk shorts are high on the agenda – and on the thigh – Some fashion lady doesn’t think males over the age of 10 (and she mentions Bart) should wear shorts.  I don’t get fashion, but shorts rule when it’s fucking hot outside.  Anyone who would wear long pants out of some misguided fear of the fashion police deserves to be sweaty and uncomfortable.

Thoughts On A Picture – This paragraph is from a Seattle Mariners blog.  I will quote it in full:

This is all part of Chris Woodward’s plan to make his face just a little bit visible in every picture that’s taken while he’s up so that a week from now he can prove to all his neighbors that he really was in the Majors. Unfortunately, his efforts are a little too subtle. “There’s my name, right there – Bart Simpson.” “Looks more like Brad Storch.” “No! It says Betty – Betty Symington.” :punch: “That’s for taking credit for other people’s work.”

I don’t know who Chris Woodward is, but all the Simpsons quotes are accurate.  Still more excellent usage.

Comedy, society don’t need four-letter words, bathroom humor – Finally we have an old guy from New England who laments that comedy isn’t as clean as it was in the heyday of Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon.  It is a tour-de-force of “Get off my lawn” and once again I’m 99.9% sure it isn’t satire:

What was particularly sweet about the cartoon was that it harkened back to a time when comedy and entertainment didn’t need four letter words and bathroom humor to make an audience laugh.
During a recent interview, comedian and TV personality Bill Cosby noted the decline of quality programming.


Cosby also noted that television programming constantly disses parents at the hands of smart alec children. A message sent repeatedly by the Simpsons.

There’s so much more if you click the link.  He thinks families are in trouble because television isn’t a sweet as it once was.  And the kids?  Has he told you about the kids these days?

It may sound narrow-minded to some, but there is a reason families are in trouble today. And one of them is television. How can parents maintain respect when Bart Simpson preaches otherwise and the comedy channel needs to bleep every fifth word.

The obvious answer it to turn off the television and read a book. But then again, it didn’t take long after my sons began going to school to figure where they picked up those four letter words. It wasn’t at home.

These gosh darned kids and their potty mouths, always sassin adults.  You don’t often see this kind of early-90s television bashing anymore.  It’s a refreshing throwback.  Next he’ll be complaining about that Murphy Brown woman having a kid out of wedlock and have you seen this new Married with Children show?


Alcohol and God, a winning combination

Reverend Lovejoy, hittin' the sauce on the job

Another Wednesday, another sight gag: two out of these six vignettes are explored in some detail, but there’s a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it gem hidden in the upper right. Yep, there’s Reverend Lovejoy, hittin’ the sauce on the job. Classic.


Happy Birthday Steve Austin


“Hello Marge, I’m Lee Majors.  Will you come away with me?” – Col. Steve Austin

The Six Million Dollar Man turns 70 today.  Happy birthday from all of us here at the Dead Homer Society and, may I say, that you are in remarkably good shape for a man your age.


deadhomersociety (at) gmail

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