“Perhaps you’d be more comfortable talking to Snappy the Alligator.” – Mr. Smithers “Maybe.” – C.M. Burns
The episode where Burns sells out to the Germans occurs halfway through Season 3. By this early point in the series we’ve already seen him gleefully cancel employee Christmas bonuses, run for governor, run down a child in his car, commit Homer (involuntarily) to a mental hospital, and rage scald Smithers with hot tea. As a human being he is comprehensively vile, uncaring about the pain his actions inflict and rich enough to cause damage on a scale most evil people could only dream about.
And yet . . . as Smithers himself says, “People think that because he’s rich and powerful and cruel he doesn’t have feelings like other men, but he does.”
This is part of what makes Burns such an enduring villain. Sure, he’s a grotesque; but there’s a logical (albeit vile) humanity to him. Like many an old person, he has regrets about how he could have spent his younger years, but his are about “wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen”. And as twisted as he is, he does have a tender side. Expressing it and indulging it just happens to destroy people’s lives, but to Burns that is incidental.
Enter Snappy the Alligator, a hand puppet Smithers uses to soothe his boss and coax him into revealing what he’s really feeling. It’s ludicrously childish, but it’s also funny as hell. A hundred million dollar decision upon which the fates and livelihoods of his workers depend comes from an old man talking to some green felt.
That’s Burns in a nutshell: bugfuck crazy, indiscriminately cruel, and deeply, deeply sad. Lucky for no one, his folk guitar class was cancelled and he bought the plant back. Capricious comedy at its finest.
“Sir, I feel there’s something you’re not telling me. Perhaps you’d feel more comfortable talking to Snappy the Alligator.” – Mr. Smithers
“Maybe.” – C.M. Burns
“Hello, Mr. Burns.” – Snappy the Alligator
“Hey, wait’ll you see Lenny. He just got back from the plastic surgeon.” – Charlie
“Jeez, Lenny, looks like you got the works.” – Carl
“Well, it started out as an eye tuck, but the stock kept going up!” – Lenny
“Whatever happens, we’ll pay the bills somehow.” – Marge Simpson
“Marge, it’s not the money. My job is my identity! If I’m not a safety whatchamajigger, I’m nothing!” – Homer Simpson
Edited to add: no Reading Digest today. I’m going out of town for the weekend and won’t have time to get to it before I leave. Sorry.
“Oh, sir, what will you do next?” – Mr. Smithers “Well, first I’ll get that new hip I’ve been hankering for, then, who knows? Beekeeping, boxing, bocce ball, the world is my oyster, Smithers! Farewell.” – C.M. Burns
I’m finally digging out all the Shearer related stuff I didn’t have time to get to over the last couple of weeks, and I have found a couple of gems. There’s a Hollywood insider take, a journalist take, and a fan take, all on what his (potential) leaving means for the show. In addition to that, we’ve got some excellent references, great fan art, a bunch of .gifs, and a wildly dickish local news team.
Enjoy.
Harry Shearer’s excellent Simpsons adventure – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this Hollywood insider perspective on Shearer’s situation from a longtime TV writer who actually knows him:
“What is he thinking?” asked dozens of text messages from people who know that we’re friends. “Is he insane?”
He is not insane, I told them. Harry Shearer is a fantastically gifted writer-performer-director, and after 26 years of voicing the characters of Mr Burns, his devoted assistant Smithers, school principal Skinner, irritating neighbour Ned Flanders, and many others, Harry simply decided to do something else.
“He’s ill, isn’t he?” asked one person. No, I said. He isn’t ill, either mentally or physically. He just can’t see how he’ll be able to devote the time his future projects require if he’s also committed to several more years of The Simpsons.
He goes on to make the case that the money is the least important part of this. I still don’t know whether or not Shearer’s actually leaving, but this is very good perspective.
Have you seen the play? If no, why not? If yes, thoughts?
BO: I have not seen the play because I do not like to leave my house. If they want to come over here and perform it, I can push back a couch in the living room and maybe provide Cheetos and Snapple.
And:
There have been so many celebrity cameos on The Simpsons. Who has not been on the show yet that you would like to see make an appearance.
BO: We could never get Stockard Channing to appear on the show for some reason and I’m pretty sure she is still alive. So STOCKARD CHANNING it is.
The Simpsons – Absolutely outstanding Simpsons tablecloth which can be yours on Etsy for $200. Click through for lots of detailed pictures and real Simpsons love:
The tablecloth was found in a thrift store, like all of my accoutrements. The lace edge and sunshine yellow called my name, screamed my name, and I was truly giddy taking it home. I first envisioned stitching Yellow Submarine on this gem. When The Simpsons also came to mind, I went with the franchise I felt was less likely to sue me.
The City was unaware of the NoDa graffiti until FOX 46 News notified them. There has been no word yet from the owner of the apartments if the graffiti will stay.
The media called the cops. Boy, you guys suck. There are, of course, good pictures at the link, if you’re interested.
Oilo’s colleagues, friends, and students were quick to defend him. Said one former student “There has been a definite tonal change since I grew up here. It makes me think of Mrs. Flanders from The Simpsons: ‘Will no one think of the children??’ I mean, if there are parents in town who think their teenagers don’t know what a blow job is, they are sorely mistaken.”
Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment today confirmed that its Lego Dimensions title, slated for release this fall, will include gameplay from The Simpsons, Doctor Who, Ghostbusters, Jurassic World, Scooby-Doo!, Portal, Midway Arcade, and Lego Chima.
It depends on my mood really, I do like when they take on cultural issues without trying to outwardly make a fool out of people who may not share their view. They have a lot of tact which I respect a ton. But occasionally I just need to see a brainless but well written episode like the Trilogy of Error episode.
That is a great way to describe “Trilogy of Error”.
For someone who grew up on the Simpsons but stopped watching in the 1990s, seeing a contemporary episode is akin to Jesus Christ walking into the Vatican. The basic tenets may be familiar, but the presentation is shockingly dissimilar from its origins.
Sam Simon was so widely beloved that there was no way to sort through even a part of people’s tributes to him last week. Now that the noise has settled down and big media outlets are on to the next thing, this week we’ve got a ton more great stuff about the man. There’s other stuff too, of course, but mostly it’s Simon.
Enjoy.
My buddy Sam Simon. – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this long and loving encomium for Simon by a writer who met him over poker. It’s long, but it’s a great read.
The secret heart of The Simpsons – Our old friend Alec Nevala-Lee takes a look at the creative mix that made the show and how it’s impossible to either pin down or overstate Simon’s contribution.
Sam Simon’s legacy for The Simpsons was the creation of a cartoon that an educated person could watch and not be ashamed at; the humor would be intelligent and not dumb itself down for the lowest common denominator.
25 years ago: Be cool, dude: In answer to an Express Street Talk question about U.S. Postal Service plans to raise the price of stamps from 25 cents to 30 cents, “Who do you think should be on the new stamp?” Donna Snyder, of Allentown, said, “Tom Petty. I like his tunes.” Joanne Panulla, of Belvidere, said, “Boomer Esiason, he looks great on a football card and he would look even better on a postage stamp.” Said Phillipsburg student Robin Torquati, “Bart Simpson. He’s a cool dude and he’s my idol.”
“I first met Sam while we were doing “The Tracey Ullman Show.” My first memory of him from those days was that although he had already been in the business for a while, he was still kind of a wunderkind.
He’d be sitting there with all these experienced guys — Jerry Belson, Jim Brooks — and there’d be times when people would be stuck for a line. I’d see Sam thinking and talking to himself, and then he would say something. At least 70% to 90% of the time, it would be a really great, succinct line.
“Spin-off”! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?” Troy McClure, the Simpsons’ fading actor once asked. It’s a question you’d imagine AMC would respond to with a resounding “yes”, given how eagerly they seem to be churning out the things.
Indeed, The Simpsons facilitated a type of cartoon-osmosis through which I learned the songs of an 1878 comedic opera, though that was just one of many worthwhile literary and cultural references I absorbed by staring at the show every weekday. There were references to the Salem Witch Trials, the Freemasons, contemporary American politics, religious and environmental issues and so forth, all delivered through a cartoon cast that was somehow made real. And if you ask those who know the behind-the-scenes of the show best, that was Sam Simon’s doing.
Ranking The Simpsons Season 8 – a review – I’d probably only have “Burns, Baby Burns” and “The Homer They Fall” under the “Meh” category, but at least they’re both there.
Groening and Barry Take New York – I think these two might just make it in showbiz. Not everyone gets a writeup in The New Yorker.
The story of RUBBLE is as follows: Alvin (Vilanch), an aging, down-on-his-luck comedy writer who — much to his chagrin — has narrowly escaped fortune, fame, and Emmy awards, is on a last-chance meeting with a network executive. During a spirited pitch of his new series idea, “My Brother, The Pope,” a massive earthquake hits LA, leaving him buried up to his neck in a pile of rubble. What ensues are a series of hilarious visits – from his older-and-more-useless-than-dirt agent Lee (Adler) and his ex-wife Brie (Wilson), to a pompous Dad (Still) and a singing and dancing Jesus (Maroulis).
JAMIE: I still remember the very first time I heard of Sonic Youth. It was about 1996 and a 12 year old me was watching an episode of The Simpsons called Homerpalooza.
In the episode “Brother from the Same Planet,” Homer engages in a long, drawn-out fist fight with Bart’s Bigger Brother, Tom. It wasn’t until I bought the DVD set of season 4 in 2004 that I learned this was a direct reference to the 1952 John Ford film.
Showrunner Al Jean explains in the episode’s audio commentary:
“We were looking to rewrite the ending of the show, and [Sam Simon] suggested that we look at the movie ‘The Quiet Man,’ the John Wayne movie where he and Victor McLaglen have this huge fight that goes all the way across Ireland. And I remember we came in on a Saturday to watch that movie, or to watch at least the fight sequence, which goes on for a long time.
It’s a great fight. Just two huge guys pounding each other all the way across Ireland. And the people in the community really love the fight. John Wayne, at one point, is dragging his wife across town, and a woman comes up and goes, ‘Here’s a stick for you to beat the pretty lady with.’ It’s these attitudes you certainly couldn’t put in a movie now.”
During times like this, it may be better to try not to think about the thing we want to remember. Rather, just relax and let your mind wander back to what it’s supposed to be thinking off in the first place.
Sam Simon – Please to be forwarding this to the Zombie Simpsons staff:
Simon cuts straight to the heart of the matter. He tells Maron there are 3 rules for good writing:
1. Story above all.
2. Don’t be afraid of the quiet moments.
3. Love your characters.
“The biggest problem, though, was that Sam Simon was a fucking horrible person to be around. Very, very funny, extremely bright and brilliant, but an unhappy person who treated other people poorly.”
People think it’s ridiculous to say some entertainment was important for your childhood, but “the Simpsons” really impacted me. I remember watching it in kindergarten, but others say I was interested in it from birth. One of my favourite feelings in the world is lying around on a lazy Saturday, maybe when it’s raining outside, and watching reruns of the show. I did that all the time when I was a kid, and sometimes I still indulge. When I felt lonely being the little kid in the house, I watched the show. When I dreaded going to school the next day, I watched the show. When I came home from the mall where I was supposed to meet my dad – separated from my mum – and he didn’t show up, I watched the show.
I’m sure the cause is a lot of factors as to why TV has gotten so good, and some are cultural, some are just a shift in commercial realities, but if I had to point to one thing, I would say it’s The Simpsons. I know that sounds simplistic, but I think 25 years ago, nobody had ever seen The Simpsons, and now, every comedy writer has seen The Simpsons, and as a result, comedy in America has gotten funnier. I’ve never been in a writers room before where somebody didn’t reference The Simpsons once an hour. I don’t know how you would ever write a good show without constantly trying not to rip off a specific Simpsons script. So if I had to point to one factor, it would just be the fact that every comedy writer in 2015 has seen between 50 and 200 episodes of The Simpsons.
There was a great outpouring of mourning and gratitude on social media following the news of Simon’s passing. All that can be said has been said by the right people.
So all I can say is: Thanks, Sam.
“Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order: Simpson, Homer. That is all.” – Horst
“Alright, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware, we Germans aren’t all smiles and sunshine.” – Horst
“Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I’m so scared. Ooh, the Germans. Uh-oh, the Germans are coming to get me. Oh, don’t let the Germans come after me. Oh, no, the Germans are coming after me. No, they’re so big and strong. Oh, protect me from the Germans.” – C.M. Burns
“What’s wrong, sir? Did I get some in your eyes? The shampoo specifically said ‘No More Tears’.” – Mr. Smithers
“Ah, a lovely promise, but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo.” – C.M. Burns
“Let me ask you something, does your money cheer you up when you’re feeling blue?” – Homer Simpson “Yes.” – C.M. Burns “Okay, bad example.” – Homer Simpson
“Well, uh, I wish the candy machine wasn’t so picky about taking beat up dollar bills . . . because a lot of workers really like candy.” – Homer Simpson “We understand, Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate.” – Horst “Mmm, the Land of Chocolate.” – Homer Simpson
There’s little doubt that “The Principal and the Pauper” is the most infamous episode in the history of the show, in no small part because it was one of the first episodes that was basically 100% boring. Prior to Armin Tamzarian blazing his way into the history of the decline and fall of The Simpsons, even episodes that hadn’t been up to the show’s all but impossibly lofty standards still contained plenty of excellent material. “The Principal and the Pauper” was so demented, however, that everything that might have resembled humor got squeezed out in favor of trying to make that painfully ditzy plot move along. “Saddlesore Galactica”, coming two and a half worsening seasons later, had many more bad episodes to hide amongst than “The Principal and the Pauper”, but manages to make a strong case for second place on the infamy list by doing essentially the same thing: having a main premise that is elementally, painfully and incomprehensibly bad.
At it’s most basic, having horse jockeys be subterranean elves is a decently Simpson-y idea. Jockeys really are small, sometimes frightfully skinny people, and if one dressed as an elf for Halloween he’d be a shoe in for best costume at most parties. Taking that stereotypical and mildly offensive similarity and making it funny is exactly the kind of thing The Simpsons did.
The difference is that when The Simpsons put up impossible flights of fancy, it kept them fantastical and it kept them short. When Snowball II and Santa’s Little Helper are watching the news late at night in “Bart’s Comet” and feign sleep as Bart walks by, it’s something that you know isn’t serious. When Homer flings himself out of the power plant and crashes the car while singing the Flintstones’ theme in “Marge vs. the Monorail”, it doesn’t affect the story, it’s just a funny way to open the episode. When they show Vishnu working switches at the center of the Earth in “Bart vs. Australia”, it doesn’t change any other scene, it’s just a background gag to keep things lighthearted. As a concept, “all jockeys are really elves” fits in well with those.
But instead of being tucked safely into a real story like it should’ve been, the jockey elves were put on center stage and left out to dry. This is the crucial failing of this episode, the one bad rivet that sends the whole bridge crashing down the ravine. It’s so unexpected and plainly stupid that, like Skinner being an imposter and then everything going back to normal, you have to wonder how anyone, let alone professional comedy writers, could ever have thought it was a good idea.
To illustrate just how bad this is, consider what “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk” would’ve been like if, instead of being efficient German technocrats, Hans, Fritz, and Horst had actually been candy gremlins from the land of chocolate who chased after Homer through the streets of Springfield. You could leave every other joke, even the entirety of the brilliant first act, in place, and that plot twist – real life candy gremlins chase Homer through the streets – would’ve spoiled the whole thing.
The Land of Chocolate works between Homer’s ears, less so on Evergreen Terrace.
The same can be said for what “Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?” would be like if it’d had a Tamzarian twist where the Herb who came back was the real Homer in disguise. Similarly, Guy Incognito was funny as hell, but he also wasn’t Homer’s long lost brother. The guy who was tired of people making fun of his giant hand didn’t use it to strangle anyone, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
That the show felt that it was both necessary and okay to rest entire episodes on overly absurd ideas was still surprising in Season 11, which is why the phrase “jockey elves” sends shivers up the spines of so many Simpsons fans. By Season 12, it was basically routine. So episodes like “The Computer Wore Menace Shoes”, “The Great Money Caper”, and “New Kids on the Blecch”, which have endings that are just as insane and magical as the jockey elves, don’t register as much. Since then it’s been pretty much the same, up to and including Season 23, where a super powered Lady Gaga, an immortal talking bar rag, and swarms of magic robots (twice!) are just par for the course.
“So let’s get to know each other better. Do we have any alcoholics among us?” – Horst “Uh, me.” – Alcoholic #1 “Right here.” – Alcoholic #2 “I’m drunk right now.” – Alcoholic #3
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(The crotch really does wear out too fast.)
The Mob Has Spoken