Posts Tagged ‘Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy


Quote of the Day

“Listen to this: Unexplainable behavior, individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g. telephone explosions.” – Bart Simpson
“Geeze, if it’s in a book, it’s gotta be true.” – Milhouse van Houten


Quote of the Day

“There she is, the old Radiation King! You’d park yourself right there and watch for hours on end.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson


Quote of the Day

“We got a lotta tonic to sell and a lotta towns to visit! Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid…” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
“Great, I’m gonna be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag.” – Homer Simpson
“And that’s what’s wrong with Bart’s generation. Now, as for your generation…” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson


Quote of the Day

“This isn’t very erotic. I think an actual a utility room.” – Marge Simpson
“No, honey, it’s a romantic fantasy. I imagine I’m the janitor, and you’re . . . the janitor’s wife, who has to live with me in the utility room.” – Homer Simpson
“Don’t mind me, folks. Just need to get the old wet-dry vac.” – Aphrodite Inn Guy


Quote of the Day

“Hey, Marge, this guy looks like Apu!” – Homer Simpson


Quote of the Day


“Someday you’ll thank me for all this scary love. But now I’ve got to go somewhere and do some serious thinking.” – Homer Simpson
“I’m sure he meant to say ‘serious drinking’.” – Bart Simpson
“That’s what I assumed.” – Lisa Simpson


Quote of the Day

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“Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could’ve been something more than I am, like a travel agent . . . to a great scientist. Or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.” – Homer Simpson


Quote of the Day


“What’s going on?  Where are all the grown-ups?” – Milhouse van Houten
“Who cares?  With no adults around, I run this city! . . . Uh, carry on.” – Nelson Muntz


Quote of the Day

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“Hurry up!  We got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson


Quote of the Day


“Sir, uh, hello, sir?  Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife.” – Homer Simpson


Quote of the Day

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy14

“Kids, your Daddy and his Daddy are involved in a very sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolaty . . . put it away, boy! . . . situation.” – Homer Simpson


Quote of the Day

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“Where are my pants?” – Homer Simpson
“You threw them out the window in a fit of passion.  You said you were never going to need them again.” – Marge Simpson
“Oh, hurry, Neddy.  They’re awful.” – Maude Flanders
“You just be ready with that garbage bag.” – Ned Flanders


Quote of the Day

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy12

“Legend has it, my great-grand-pappy stumbled upon this recipe when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson


Quote of the Day

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“Oh, mama!  This is finally really happening.  After years of disappointment with get rich quick schemes, I know I’m gonna get rich with this scheme, and quick!” – Homer Simpson


Quote of the Day

Broken Lamp

Image used under Creative Commons license from Flickr user Mark Legault. 

“Welcome home son, I broke two lamps and lost all your mail.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson


Sunday Preview: The Scorpion’s Tale

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“I’ve discovered that the rejuvenating effect people feel is actually a mild form of poisoning, no doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions in Grampa Simpson’s bathtub.  Nonetheless . . .” – Dr. Hibbert

The Oscars aren’t good for much, but they did buy us a week off from Zombie Simpsons.  Sadly, that week is now over.  I didn’t see a promo image at Simpsons Channel, so we’ll have to let the text do the talking:

After a field trip to the desert, Lisa discovers that the desert water mysteriously makes typically combative creatures get along, so she brings some of the water home as a souvenir.
When Grampa moves in with the family after getting kicked out of the retirement home, Homer secretly tests the desert water on Grampa, who is instantly cured of his crankiness.

A pharmaceutical representative (guest voice Herzog) gets word of Homer’s discovery and quickly tries to replicate the water into a drug, using Grampa as the primary guinea pig.
But when the pills get in the wrong hands and are sold on the black market, unexpected side effects of the new drug take an eye-popping toll on the elderly citizens of Springfield, and the Simpsons learn that their new medical cure comes with major consequences.

I enjoyed Serenity, this is less promising. 


Conspiracy Nuts Think Zombie Simpsons Predicts Nuclear Holocaust on Saturday

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy9

“Scary, no?  And this guy’s head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa!” – Bart Simpson

Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your tinfoil hats, because YouTube user “truthwillfindyoubru” is about to avert a nuclear holocaust this Saturday!  I found it on a blog called “2012 THE AWAKENING”, the url of which is “ascendingstarseed”, so you know this is completely legitimate and above board.  Feast your Stonecutter-Illuminati-Black Ops-Freemason-Cult of Darius-CIA/MI6/007 eyes on this:

Or, you know, don’t.  Really.  Don’t.  But I did, all ten minutes and forty-four idiotic seconds of it.

The basic premise here is that the Zombie Simpsons episode “To Surveil With Love”, which I had more or less completely forgotten, foretells a “black flag” nuclear bomb attack scheduled for this Saturday the 6th of November, 2010.  The “black flag” part means that this nuclear detonation will be carried out by nefarious forces and blamed on someone else as a way to further the agenda of said nefarious forces.  Everybody got all that?  Good, let’s get to the tape.

The video starts out by rehashing the old conspiracist saw that  “City of New York vs. Homer Simpson” predicted the 2001 terrorist attacks crap.  If you’re unfamiliar with that bit of brilliant logic, here’s the screen grab that sent thousands of misguided people to their keyboards:

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson3

Definitive proof that Ian Maxtone-Graham is history’s greatest monster.

After that, the video mentions an episode of the X-Files spinoff “The Lone Gunman” where a plane doesn’t hit anything, a made for TV movie from 2005 about a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico, and the bland and forgettable Nicholas Cage move “Knowing”.  Why?  Well, the first one obviously predicted the attack on the World Trade Center, because prior to that no one had ever thought of using a plane as a weapon.  The second one because hurricanes are so very rare in the Gulf of Mexico.  And the third one is obvious because that movie mentioned an oil rig fire and no offshore oil rigs have ever caught fire before Deepwater Horizon.  Once those not-at-all-insane connections have been made, we get a title card screen, “Now back to the point of this video”.  Very well, let us continue.

In case you, like me, don’t remember this particular piece of the haphazard scrawl that is Zombie Simpsons, here’s the FOX description:

A bomb squad mistakenly blows up Homer’s unattended gym bag, releasing radiation into the city and authorities react by suspending civil liberties.

Wiggum and his men install surveillance cameras around Springfield and round up suspected terrorists, including Groundskeeper Willie, but when monitoring the nonstop flow of video imagery proves to be too much, Wiggum enlists concerned citizens to help keep the city safe.

Meanwhile, Lisa becomes fed up with being blond, so she dyes her hair a dark color

Sadly, this video contains nothing about whether or not the world is ruled by a cabal of natural blondes who dye their hair.  Instead, it has things like this:

Idiotic Conspiracy1

The nuclear explosion seems self-evident, but the author felt the need to highlight it for us.  Why is the clock circled?  Because it tells us when the real nuclear bomb is going to go off.  I mean, duh:

Idiotic Conspiracy2

I’m not sure what a clock with a white face and black numbers has to do with freemasonry, but if their powers are so great as to control the level of contrast we perceive in the visible spectrum then we’re all doomed.  Just in case that lone, yellow arrow isn’t enough to make this subtle and perfectly logical message clear to you:

Idiotic Conspiracy3

See?  The fact that the clock is round clearly means that it’s a zero and the base a one and . . . holy shit we’re all gonna die!  Look:

Idiotic Conspiracy4

Almost certainly not?  I mean, it’s just a teevee show, and clocks are naturally round and . . . oh, you were looking for the answer “yes”?  Then “yes”:

Idiotic Conspiracy5

Touching your toes before you play sports is a stretch.  This is more of a baseless conjecture with no supporting evidence and a mountain of reasons why it’s stupid.  But please, go on:

Idiotic Conspiracy6

Wait, I thought it was the Freemasons.  Now it’s the Illuminati?  It must be, “apparently” they’ve infiltrated everything except the library board.  Or is Mrs. Glick’s stance on increasing the late fees part of something sinister?  And now, my favorite part:

Idiotic Conspiracy7

That is Grade A base covering.  If there is no nuclear detonation on Saturday (SPOILER ALERT: There won’t be.), it’s not because this whole thing is batshit crazy and dumber than a box of rocks.  It’s because enough people figured it out and the dark ones called it off.  The video concludes with a painfully sincere plea to share and copy this to “get this information out there!”, before recommending a bunch of other unhinged crap you can watch for further information.

I wouldn’t do that, nor would I ever want to watch “To Surveil With Love” ever again.  Besides, this episode had a far more terrifying component.  This was the one with the Kesha opening.  The horror.


Reading Digest: Truther Conspiracy Edition

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“You fool!  Can’t you see it’s a massive government conspiracy, or have they gotten to you too?” – Milhouse van Houten

I don’t know if it’s because tomorrow is the ninth anniversary of those rather unpleasant terrorist attacks, but this week we’ve got two different links to those irrepressibly foolish Truthers.  I’d say more, but the shadowy organization that directs all my actions doesn’t want me to provoke their awesome deductive and investigative powers lest they uncover the terrible truth.  We’ve also got some cool costumes of Marge, Maggie and Lisa, Angela Merkel, some enjoyable, regular YouTube, and some bizarre, backwards YouTube. 


D’oh! – I put this up on Twitter yesterday, but it’s also Smooth Charlie’s Click of the Week.  It’s nail polish, and it’s good and awesome and fan made and well worth the ten seconds of your time it will take to view. 

Mayoral hopefuls praise Toronto film industry, The Simpsons – I should move to Toronto:

It was a perfect opportunity for the candidates to praise a real success story in Toronto, and they managed to do that when they weren’t talking about the hit American TV show The Simpsons. Rocco Rossi brought up the episode where Hollywood comes to Springfield to shoot Radioactive Man: The Movie. George Smitherman made a nod to the same episode later in the debate. That’s right: even during live debates, the candidates want to change the channel and watch a 15-year-old Simpsons rerun.

And it comes with YouTube:

Bart Simpson T-Shirt 1989/90 – Some old school Bart t-shirt designs. 

Fidel Castro’s Doubts About Cuban Communism and Iranian Anti-Semitism – Generally speaking, I do not expect Simpsons connections from The New York Times:

In what seems like a case of life imitating “The Simpsons,” Fidel Castro said, during a recent interview with Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic, that Cuba’s communist economic model has proved to be a failure.

In a blog post about the interview, Mr. Goldberg wrote:

I asked him if he believed the Cuban model was still something worth exporting.

“The Cuban model doesn’t even work for us anymore,” he said.

Some readers might hear an echo of a 1998 episode of The Simpsons, in which a cartoon version of Mr. Castro told disappointed colleagues, “Comrades, our nation is completely bankrupt. We have no choice but to abandon communism…. I know, I know, I know — but we all knew from day one this mumbo-jumbo wouldn’t fly.”

YouTube, also from the Times:

Obama Reveals $50B Monorail Plan at Labor Day Rally – Poor Jim DeMint, why does he always have to play a woman? 

Check This Bad Boy out: 52 Villian & Famous quotes – This is a big image of, you guessed it, a lot of villain quotes.  Some of them are excellent, some less so (hard to read fonts are nobody’s friend).  Unfortunately, the Mr. Burns quote is wrong.  He says “terror”, not “fear”.  Also, nice WordPress theme.

11 Extraordinarily Clever Simpsons Tattoos – As soon as I saw this I thought I’d linked it before, but the search function disagrees with me, so I guess not.  What’s nice about this list is that for a lot of them they put the screen grab from the show next to the actual tattoo.  That said, “The Bart, The”, and possibly “Milpool”, look photoshopped to me, but I could be wrong.  The Duff six-pack though?  One thousand times yes!  (via Tattoosday UK)

happy WEEKEND! – Halloween isn’t until next month, but it’s never the wrong season for Simpsons costumes, so check out all three of the Simpson ladies. 

Hugo – Have you ever wanted to watch the evil twin segment of Treehouse of Horror VII in what sounds like German with the x-axis reversed?  Me neither, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.  In the event you do decide to watch this, I’d recommend against sobriety. 

New “Infinity Chili” Sounds Hotter Than Homer Simpson’s “Insanity Pepper” – Oh sure, measure the spiciness of a pepper with your precious “science”, I’ll stick with whichever ones melt ice cream before it touches my tongue. 

Greens stoke backlash against Merkel’s nuclear power extension – Extending the life of some nuclear plants in Germany has caused a political tussle:

The German Chancellor has toured German reactor sites over the past month in an attempt to win support for her plans and her conservative Christian Democratic Party has even produced pro-nuclear placards featuring a smiling Ms Merkel clad in an environmentally correct green jacket alongside the cartoon character Mr Burns, from The Simpsons, who owns a nuclear power plant.

To Google Images I went and, sure enough:

Merkel & Burns

Her party made that, but her opponents think highly of the idea as well:

Merkel as Burns

Well played, Germany.  Well played.

Update: SDOT fixes ‘hacked’ West Seattle traffic sign – Someone hacked one of those electronic road construction signs to read “Eat My Shorts”.  There’s pictures and background at that link, and video at this one.

What It’s Like to Be On The Simpsons! – Penn & Teller are going to be on Zombie Simpsons sometime in the near future.  There will be other illusionists as well.  Yawn.  This is Penn ranting into several cameras about doing the voiceover.

X files and The Simpsons predict 9/11 (revisited) – The first of our two clear headed thinkers (a different post at the same site is titled “9 11 warnings before it happened & illuminati Symbolism In Movies”) has a bizarre YouTube video with some radio host babbling on about . . . well, whatever comes to mind.  Skip to the 2:30 mark for the Simpsons part, I like it when he talks about Kabbalah and vampires. 

Further Thoughts on "The Simpsons Movie" – Our second Truther nut (one of the links is titled “Evidence of advanced fusion devices at the WTC”) re-watched The Simpsons Movie and the results are a bevy of unintentional comedy:

3) interesting how the angry mob chases the "evil" Homer Simpson — much in the way that humans should chase the evil ultimate PTB on earth. Also, interesting that the mob chases the Simpsons into a hole in the ground (the sinkhole)– somewhat analogous to the idea that humans on earth have chased the ultimate PTB into deep underground bases.

I think “PTB” stands for Powers That Be, but it’s probably best to just keep moving and not make eye contact. 

Zero Punctuation: Super Mario Galaxy 2 – And finally, I get to end the way I like to, though not in the usual format.  Commenter DJ Yellow sent in this wonderfully cranky video review of “Super Mario Galaxy 2”.  Around four and a half minutes in, our peevish narrator is lamenting the fact that you can overdo something enjoyable to the point that it is no longer enjoyable:

The star that shines brightest is all the more glorious for its brevity.  Or, to bring this metaphor down to a broader cultural level, The Simpsons has been running for twenty-one seasons and hasn’t been good since the fifth. 

It’s even better on the video, because he manages to say all of that in about nine seconds.  Obviously I think there’s lots of good stuff after Season 5, but this is so marvelously mean that I don’t care right now.  


Quote of the Day

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“Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?” – Marge Simpson
“Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life.” – Homer Simpson


So Much For That Theory

“Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions?  Haven’t you ever heard of Occam’s razor?  The simplest explanation is probably the correct one.” – Lisa Simpson

Last week, I speculated that FOX might have a dual purpose in trying out their new animated show “Bob’s Burgers” in the fall, before they had to make a decision on whether or not to bring back Zombie Simpsons for 2011-2012.  Not so much:

Expect a new animated comedy titled “Bob’s Burgers” during the midseason (which won’t be a success, I can tell you that now).

“Bob’s Burgers” won’t be showing up until mid-season, so there will be no window between its premier and the production of the Season 22 finale.  My conspiracy theory about the saucer people and the RAND corporation was wrong.  Can’t say I’m that surprised. 

What does this mean for a Season 23?  Maybe a lot, probably nothing.  FOX is still going to have more shows than it can fit in a two hour bloc on Sunday, but who knows what that means?  Whether or not they’ve decided to finally put Zombie Simpsons out of its misery remains an open question.  Here’s hoping. 


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