Posts Tagged ‘The Secret War of Lisa Simpson


Quote of the Day

“The Moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will Man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.” – Moon of Earth Filmstrip Narrator
“I have no objection to Man walking on the Moon.” – Adlai Stevenson


Quote of the Day

“The Moon belongs to America, and anxiously awaits the arrival of our Astromen.” – U.S. Department of Moon, 1952


Quote of the Day

“Truth is beauty! Beauty truth, sir!” – Rommelwood Cadet
“They’re discussing poetry! Oh, we never do that at my school.” – Lisa Simpson
“But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?” – Rommelwood Teacher
“He sure sucked the fun out of that poem.” – Marge Simpson

Happy 20th Anniversary to “The Secret War of Lisa Simpson!” Original airdate 18May 1997.


Quote of the Day

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“What about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave.” – Chief Wiggum


Behind Us Forever: Paths of Glory


“Well, Bart, uh, did you make sure to return all the guns?” – Homer Simpson
“Sir, yes, sir!  Luckily I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!” – Bart Simpson
“Well, he’s got more confidence.” – Marge Simpson
“Uh, yeah, I’ve always said the boy could use more confidence.” – Homer Simpson

Paths of Glory is a terribly underrated Kubrick movie staring Kirk Douglas as a French colonel in World War I.  This episode, which shares its title for some unaccountable reason, should in no way be held against that fine film.  In one of the plots, Lisa goes looking for a long lost invention by a forgotten female inventor.  In another one, Marge and Homer start thinking Bart is a sociopath so he gets recruited to join the Air Force, or something.  I tuned out by then for reasons that will become clear should you be bored enough to read the rest of this.

– The “couch” gag didn’t involve a couch, but at least it was short.

– We’re off to a bad start here as each kid at a kind of science go-kart race spends time explaining what kind of car we’re seeing as we see it.

– And Lisa loses the race because Duffman swooped in driving the Duff blimp, then Martin, Uter, and Database (who just appeared from nowhere and wasn’t even racing) start teasing her for being a girl for some reason. Okay.

– Huh, there’s Kearney and Dolph ragging on liberal arts colleges because, you know, that’s the kind of thing they would do, know or care about.

– Now the Old Jewish Guy appeared for no reason to exposit this:

OJG: “Don’t you worry kid, they also laughed at Amelia Vanderbuckle.”
Lisa: “Amelia Vanderbuckle, who’s she?”

Guess what happens next? Go on, guess.

– Some guy just got his head cut off. Carry on.

– Lisa is reading a fake Wikipedia article out loud. I have nothing to add to that, but it’s been going on for a full minute.

– Lisa is now explaining that “if we can find those inventions, we can prove that Amelia was scientifically significant”. So, so much exposition.

– Bart and Lisa are now wandering around an abandoned asylum, where Jimbo and Shauna are making out and expositing how they feel.

– Lisa is reading names that are also printed on the screen. Fillertastic!


You heard her say them!  Now watch them on screen!

– Lisa found a wax cylinder, then she found a player for it, now the exposition is playing from it. Hooray.  Oh, then it caught fire and now she’s using it as a torch.  Weird.

– Holy shit, they’re doing it again. Lisa is reading labels that are also on screen.

– Bart found a maniac’s diary, then declared, “Look at me, I’m enjoying reading”. They do know characters are allowed to display their feelings instead of say them out loud, right? I would think they would know that, but I’ve been wrong before.

– Look at this collection of kids:


File this as yet another example of how characterless they’ve made all their characters. Ralph and Nelson are just there because, well, shutup that’s why.

– Chief Wiggum just pulled up in a bowtie to tell us, “Ralphie, come on, we got daddy-son tap class. Tap class!” Did repeating “tap class” get a laugh at the read through? If so, has anyone checked to see if there’s a gas leak?

– You’ll never believe it, but Wiggum goes on to exposit about tap class before shouting “tap class” two more times.

– Now Wiggum is talking to Marge because he has pages from the diary. Wiggum thinks Bart wrote them because keep shutting up, that’s why.

– Marge is now declaring how she feels out loud.

– Homer got home, so Marge is explaining what we just saw.

– Now Lisa is talking to Milhouse. Is their conversation reductive and repetitive? You know it!

Milhouse: “Wow, this is a surprise, I’m usually sweating when we talk, but not this time.”
Lisa: “It’s amazing how you can charm and disgust me at the same time.”

– Now Milhouse is helping Lisa track down the missing invention and . . . nope, can’t care anymore.

– Marge just told us she printed out a “Sociopath Test” for Bart as we saw her do it, Homer then declared that they can’t just give that to him. Marge then says they need him to think the test is for something else. This episode is just people talking to each other about what they’re going to do.

– Bart is now reading out loud. And now he’s realized they’re giving him the “sociopath test”. Then he tells us what he’s going to do, “Fine, I’ll pretend to be the biggest sociopath in the world.”

– Homer and Marge are expositing at the kitchen table, and I’m done. Let’s fast forward!

– One minute later (and I think missed a montage) there’s this:


Avert your eyes, children, he may have taken on another form!

– One minute more and Homer and Marge are in the treehouse still talking about what they’re going to do. More fast forwarding!

– Bart is in a bouncy castle driving down the highway. One more minute, please.

– Bart is in a mental institute where he’s apparently getting inducted into the Air Force or something.

– One minute after that, Homer and Marge are back at the kitchen table talking about Bart again. This is about the fifth scene like this, and that’s just in the parts I’ve bothered to watch.

– One minute later and Lisa must’ve found whatever it was she was looking for in the other plot. She is, naturally, explaining what we’re looking at.

– One minute more and Bart’s still in the military. He’s wearing his regular clothes, but whatevs.

– One minute after that and the general is speaking, “Son, the simulators we told you weren’t simulators, were simulators.” This is apparently a shocking revelation. Moving on.

– And things end with Marge saying, “What a day! What a day!” while they all hug.  Huh.

– Nevermind, Lisa is at a museum with the thing she discovered.

– During the credits, Homer is looking at loom porn. Don’t worry, that didn’t make any more sense in the episode than it does in text here.

So, that was a mess.  The ratings are also a bit of a mess this week because of both a football overrun and the President (who is a Demeecrat, according to Grampa) going on TV last night. Right now, “Presidential address/The Simpsons” is listed as having 8.20 million viewers, which is huge for Zombie Simpsons, but will probably change significantly once they get things sorted out.


Quote of the Day

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“Now, everyone follow me to my chair, where I just need to get off my feet for a few minutes. . . . Aww, oh, I won’t be getting up soon.” – Chief Wiggum


Reading Digest: Xi’an Bart Edition

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“Look at how disciplined they are.  They’re just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xi’an.” – Lisa Simpson
“They sure are.” – Homer Simpson

First off, apologies for no Compare & Contrast this week.  I’ve got an unfinished draft that I promise I will finish next week, but this week my stupid real job got in the way.  For links this week, we’ve got a terra-cotta Bart Simpson, a Bonestorm blanket, some excellent references, a teaser for a Weinstein interview, a couple of lists, quite a bit of YouTube, and a chance to win a copy of the Mr. Burns play.


This Is What Happens When The Terra-Cotta Warriors Meet Pop Culture – Oh, cool.  That Bart Simpson one is fantastic.

The Simpsons spinoff was once planned, reveals ex-showrunner – Twitter seems to be treating this as news, but I thought everyone already knew this:

A spinoff show from The Simpsons was once considered, according to former showrunner Josh Weinstein.  Springfield would have focused on the fictional town’s other inhabitants and was conceived in the mid-’90s.

The better news is that they’ll have a full interview on Monday.  Bonus: this is a nice backhanded slap at Zombie Simpsons:

“We felt at that time – around season seven – that we all knew the family so well, so let’s start exploring all these great side-characters,” he explained.

Two scientific journals accepted a study by Maggie Simpson and Edna Krabappel – This was making the rounds this week:

“I wanted first and foremost to come up with something that gives out the fake immediately,” the actual author of the paper, Alex Smolyanitsky, told Vox. “My only regret is that the second author isn’t Ralph Wiggum.”

Me fail science?  That’s unpossible to within a probability of 5%

Naming Rites: A Team Name and Mascot Blog – Destination Springfield: Celebrating Some Perfectly Cromulent Team Names – An exhaustive look at fake and real sports teams that have popped up in the show and on Zombie Simpsons.  (Thanks to @TeamNicknames for sending it in.)

Dan Shaughnessy vs. MLS: To Troll or To Ignore, That Is the Question – I’m with Paul & Lisa:

Petke’s retort is fun and makes for good blog headlines, no doubt, but the best course of action here is to ignore commentary for an columnist stuck in a 1987 world view about sports. Lisa Simpson’s and Paul Anka’s “Just Don’t Look” song from an old Halloween episode of The Simpsons often feels quite applicable under the premise if you don’t pay attention eventually (hopefully) they’ll go away.

Excellent reference.  (Shaughnessy is like 60 Minutes, his keen days are far in the past and he mostly exists to outrage old people.)

15 Best Comic Book Guy Quotes From ‘The Simpsons’ – There are far too many Zombie Simpsons quotes here, especially when things like “I have a master’s degree in Folklore & Mythology!”, “No groaning in my store.”, and “We’re racing for the title of the champion of the universe.” didn’t make the cut.

Every Christmas Episode Of ‘The Simpsons,’ Ranked – They did have the good sense to put “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire” at #1.  And this may be the understatement of the week:

Oh, and the bit with Katy Perry and the Muppet Simpsons at the end was just a bad idea.

I still think that needs to be considered the “Star Wars Holiday Special” of Zombie Simpsons.  It’s that bad.

15 Homemade Gifts For the TV Fan In Your Life – #11 is a pretty awesome Bonestorm blanket.

The Animated Sitcom – A look at how animated comedies fit into the wider world of them.

New trending GIF tagged the simpsons homer simpson… – He’s getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

Cyclocross: the Groin Punch of Cycling Disciplines – Heh:

I am Hans Moleman. See my masterpiece, my finest production, it is me getting hit in the groin by a football. It is never not funny. In fact, the more it happens, the funnier it gets. It is pure parallax. High art medium, low art content. The two are not reconciled, and the impact could not had any other way. I am Hans Moleman, and I am racing cyclocross.

With YouTube.

The pointless Twitter accounts that will make you laugh every time – Our friends over at @simpsonsgreats make the list.

The Ten Greatest Songs of All Time: #9 – Rock Me Amadeus – A trip down memory lane, complete with Troy McClure YouTube.

Celebrities Who Look Like Cartoon Characters If You Add Variations To Their Face – I guess Jim Belushi could pass for Milhouse.

I Love Lazy Saturdays – We all sleep in sometimes.

Win A Copy of Anne Washburn’s Mr Burns! – The question isn’t the least bit difficult, but it would be cool to own a copy of that play that I swear I will see someday.

My 2nd Favorite Simpsons Gag – YouTube of the longest church hymn ever.

These Absurd Chinese Cop Cars Look Like Homer Simpson’s Designs – Photoshopping it in with Homer was a nice touch.

Long-lost teddies: The joy of being reunited with a beloved bear – And finally, here’s your “aww” usage for the week:

While in the car travelling down the M6 near Cannock, Staffordshire, recently, four-year-old Daisy Jewkes’s favourite bear, Old Teddy, flew out the car window. Distraught, she cried all the way home.
But there is a happy ending. After Daisy’s mother emailed the Highways Agency, the little girl was reunited with her toy bear last week.
David Smith, a manager for construction company Carillion, said: “I got the email and asked the guys to look out for the teddy and within days we found him in the central reservation. The look on the girl’s face was absolutely fantastic when she got him back.”
The hold a beloved bear can have on a young mind is quite remarkable. Just think of The Simpsons’ mean-spirited Mr Burns, whose otherwise concealed humanity is revealed in the episode “Rosebud” in which he reminisces about the stuffed teddy Bobo that he gave away as a child. He is overjoyed when he is eventually reunited with the raggedy toy through Homer’s daughter Maggie.



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