Posts Tagged ‘Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

06
Jun
18

Quote of the Day

“Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you!” – C.M. Burns
“You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.” – Mr. Smithers

Sam Simon would’ve been 63 today. Happy birthday.

22
Apr
17

Quote of the Day

“Well, as long as I’m asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears that he’s contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable?” – Lisa Simpson
“No, dear, the card question will be fine.” – Burns for Governor Campaign Manager

28
Jun
16

Quote of the Day

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish13

“I wonder if he’s going to say anything about that horrible fish?” – Marge Simpson
“Oh, Marge, what’s the big deal? I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion you didn’t even know how many eyes a fish had.” – Homer Simpson

07
Apr
16

Reading Digest: [Yawn] What Time Is It?

RestingMyEyes

“Just resting my eyes!” – Homer Simpson
“Ah, well done, a rested employee is a vigilant employee.” – C.M. Burns
“Monitoring station unmanned.” – Nuclear Inspector 

And we are back. I missed you all during my uneventful absence. I’m tentatively planning to do doing Reading Digest on Thursdays now, but we’ll see. Links, ahoy:

Kamp Krusty – A great new fan site with a ton of Simpsons images and memes you can download. The creator was nice enough to email this in last month, and I’m just getting to it now. (If you’ve sent an e-mail to the deadhomersociety gmail account in the last six months or so, please be patient. I’ve got it cleaned out, but I haven’t started begging forgiveness for the lateness of my replies yet.)

The Simpsons Decade: An Introduction – If you’re going to propose a unified theory of 90s comedy, you really have only one option for the overarching framework.

 

Fan-Made Simpsons Couch Gag Is Filled With Classic References – It’s not so much a couch gag as it is a short cartoon, but it’s cute and has a nice, Simpsons-y score.

How Murray Saved Christmas with Mike Reiss and Parker Denton by Jingle Friends – Mike Reiss discussing his book/movie on a podcast that describes itself as “Non-believers gettin’ into the Christmas spirit!”. It’s a neat discussion about his career and writing in general. He talks about working with Jean around the 10 minute mark. At the 17 minute mark or so he starts talking about the movie script. They went through 160 odd drafts; he thought the best one was the fifth. Sigh.

WATCH: Director David Silverman Talks All Things ‘The Simpsons’ at FMX 2015 – A couple of YouTube videos of Silverman discussing the early days of the show. At the 8 minute mark of the first video he describes how crazy things were right when the show came out. He was wearing a Simpsons jacket at a mall right when the Christmas special first came out and got mobbed.

‘The Simpsons’ Fans Trolling News Sites, And It’s Hilarious – I doubt very much that this is in any way organized, but it is pretty funny.

The Inanimate Carbon Pod Episode 6(The Simpsons Season 4 Continued) – Stumbled on this a few days ago. I feel their pain when it comes to “shitty Simpsons”.

Simpsons superfan covers her bod in £12,000 worth of tattoos inspired by the cartoon – That is impressive.

The Simpsons Predicted the Panama Papers and Offshore Tax Evasion – Well, sort of, but Esquire does agree with us:

Of course, this is by no means a coincidence. Everything that has happened in The Simpsons‘ 27 seasons (10 of which are good) will eventually come to fruition in real life.

I’m looking forward to the dolphins taking over and throwing all copies of Zombie Simpsons into the sea.

(In other news, if any of you have read my geeky movie rant and felt like tossing a review up on Amazon, I would be grateful.)

17
Apr
15

Epic Agreement (And Show Still on Hiatus)

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish12

“Holy moly, nine-thirty!  Hello, Marge, sorry I didn’t call, but it’s been a madhouse down here.  Yeah, these twelve hour days are killing me.” – Homer Simpson

My apologies, but there won’t be a Reading Digest this week.  I am eyeballs deep in my stupid real job.  However, there are two things I’d like to note.

First, the radio silence regarding the show being on hiatus continues.  I checked a few staff Twitter accounts and haven’t seen peep outside of Jean responding to someone from No Homers that the negotiations are ongoing.  (Sadly, Isabel Vega has deleted her Twitter account after her tweets kept popping up here and elsewhere in Simpsons fandom.  Sorry, Isabel!  Really didn’t want to get you in trouble or anything.)  One of the last tweets from Vega was that increasing numbers of staff are being told not to come in and that people around the office are worried:

That moment when a director goes around saying good-bye to the remaining crew saying “See you next season, if there is one…” #TheSimpsons

So we’re about where we were last week: nobody’s saying squat.  That is probably for the best, since swirling rumors and ill sourced media speculation don’t have any bearing on the negotiations but do get a lot of people agitated for no reason.  My money continues to be on the show getting renewed.

Second, and far more fun, is this fantastic article (that mentions Zombie Simpsons by name) about the unrivaled cultural legacy of the show:

The Simpsons – the Shakespeare of our time?

We’re automatically programmed to know that Dickens was the greatest writer of his day. It’s reasonable to assume that in the 19th century he was just really, really popular. Nobody in that age would have guessed that they would be teaching his work in primary schools a century down the line. The reason they do so is because it was the most accurate satire of Victorian England, much like The Simpsons to the modern West.

I highly recommend the whole thing.

03
Nov
14

Behind Us Forever: Opposites A-frack

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish11

“Leave it to good old Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.” – Marge Simpson

This week on Zombie Simpsons, Burns does something we saw him do much funnier twenty years ago, but he also falls in love and becomes a softy for a while.  In between, Patty and Selma live with the Simpsons for a while, Marge, Lisa and Smithers vanish for most of the episode, Homer gets another new job, and there’s a big explosion.

– No couch gag this week, so what they left in must be pure gold!

– Marge is buttering Homer up with pork chops because Patty & Selma need a place to stay.  If you guessed that Patty & Selma weren’t in the house right up until they mysteriously appeared in the house as if by transporter, you win absolutely nothing.

– Homer is repeating the word “teensy” for some reason.  I guess that got a big laugh at the table read?

– So the conflict here is that Patty & Selma aren’t supposed to smoke in the house.  Homer has put smoke detectors all over the place to catch them.  Then it starts raining instantly so they can’t go outside.  The instant rain thing was funny in “Bart the Murderer” because it was a joke.  Here it’s a plot crutch for an already nonsensically weak plot.  It won’t be the last.

– Hey, a decent sign gag that didn’t get read out load “Once Your Lungs Go Black, They Never Go Back”.

– They put a new bathroom in the house for no discernible reason.  It’s under the stairs because Patty & Selma were by the stairs.  They want to smoke there because, for some other indiscernible reason, Homer didn’t put smoke detectors in the bathroom.  This show cannot even maintain a joke, much less a story.  It’d almost be impressive in its sloppiness if we hadn’t seen it so many times before.

– Hey, look, the main story has arrived!  The water in the bathroom caught on fire.

– Lisa just scrolled over a bunch of movies titles on her tablet.  They were supposed to be depressing documentaries, so most of them were just “noun of death”.

– Hey, it’s a joke free explanation of fracking.  I love it when they pre-explain things.

– So, Lisa and Bart just teleported into the Rich Texan’s office where she exposited for a while, before he told us he was going to dance, then danced.  I realize that sentence makes no sense to anyone who hasn’t seen this episode, but, trust me, you’re not missing anything.

– Lisa discovers there’s a fracking site in the neighborhood by looking at a satellite picture.  Why?  Because they’re keeping people away with a sign that says “Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame”.  How did she never notice this building that is in her neighborhood?  Don’t ask.  But they compound it by having her praise women’s basketball, which makes the whole thing make even less sense.

– Also too, the kids just walked into the building.  Then Burns and Smithers pull up in a cart and Burns begins explaining things to Lisa.  Is there any reason for him to do this?  No.  Is it the opposite of something Burns would actually do?  Yes.

– Lisa then exposits the existence of Maxine Lombard, a Nancy Pelosi type voiced by Jane Fonda.  I miss Mary Bailey.

– After a really boring and repetitive hearing, Burns just barged into her office for a slow, cliche filled fall in love moment between Burns and Not Pelosi.  They apparently slept on the floor under a flag for some reason.

– Hey, how about another non-sequitor?  Now Burns needs to buy the mineral rights under Evergreen Terrace.  How do we know this?  Because he just told us.  Does it have anything to do with his romance with whatshername?  Of course not.  Jebus this script is sloppy.

– And, right on cue, Burns picks Homer to be his salesman.

– We then get a series of quick cuts of Homer being good at his new job.  It ate some time.

– Marge and Lisa are opposed to this, of course, with Marge reminding that “the water was on fire”.  She will be saying this a lot.

– Homer wins some kind of debate with Frink (don’t ask) and now everyone has sold their mineral rights.  Burns, being Zombie Burns, has second thoughts and asks Homer for relationship advice.

– Homer has the “signed gas leases”, which are all complete except for Marge’s signature not being on one.  This somehow comes as a surprise during a ceremony to turn on the fracking.  Then Burns and whatshername have a breakup as cliched and nonsensical as when they got together.  Also, Smithers is back after a long and unexplained absence.

– Burns was going to fire Homer, but now they’re talking about relationships again.  Then a wrecking ball breaks into Burns Manor because whatshername decided to . . . you know what?  Screw this.  It’s too weird and nonsensical even to recap.

– Hey, there’s an NPR guy who shows up, tells us his name, and then wanders off.

– Now Burns and Homer are turning the fracking machine back on out of revenge or something.

– Want to know what’s happening?  The show will gladly tell you:

Marge: Is one of the side effects of fracking earthquakes?
Lisa: Yes.

Glad we cleared that up.

– Jane Fonda just showed back up out of nowhere

– And Marge just repeated the water thing for the sixth time or so.  Oh, and now Homer’s burning down the fracking thingie and it explodes.

– Because the ending was apparently not explained enough already, Burns is helpfully expositing it some more.

– And it ends with Burns and whatshername in bed being boring to run out the clock.  What a mess.

Anyway, the numbers are in and, sans football, they are expectedly terrible.  Just 4.24 million people wished they were seeing Burns run his Slant Drilling Company again.  That’s the lowest of the young season and good for #7 on the all time least watched list.

There’s a very clear dichotomy now between the weeks when FOX has a late NFL game and when they don’t.  The three episodes this year with a football lead were watched by 8.50 million, 7.34 million, and 7.64 million viewers.  The two episodes without a football lead in were watched by 4.32 and 4.24 million viewers.  FOX does have a late national game next week for the Futurama crossover, so I fearlessly predict that episode will get somewhere in the 7 million viewers range.  And while I’m still expecting the renewal notice any day, the show clearly can’t stand on its own anymore.

26
Nov
13

Quote of the Day

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish10

“Have you found any dirt on Mary Bailey?” – C.M. Burns
“Well, we’ve gone through her garbage.” – Garbologist
“We’ve talked to her maid.” – Mudslinger
“And so far the only negative thing we have found is from some guy who dated her when she was sixteen.” – Garbologist
“Ah, and?” – C.M. Burns
“He felt her up.” – Muckraker
“Bah, not good enough!” – C.M. Burns

Happy birthday Wes Archer!

22
Aug
13

Quote of the Day

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish9

“So, kids, caught anything?” – Dave Shutton
“Not yet, sir.” – Lisa Simpson
“What are you using for bait?” – Dave Shutton
“My brother’s using worms.  But I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.” – Lisa Simpson

26
Nov
12

Quote of the Day

Nuclear Inspection

“Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.” – Nuclear Inspector
“I’m as shocked as you are.” – C.M. Burns
“Plutonium rod used as paper weight.” – Nuclear Inspector
“Oh, now that shouldn’t be. . . . Yeah, well, that’s always been like that.” – C.M. Burns

Happy birthday Wes Archer!

06
Nov
12

Simpsons Episodes for a Dreary Election

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish8

“You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve.  Smithers, boil some coffee, we’re not licked yet!” – C.M. Burns
“Yes we are.  Come on boys, the old guy’s finished.” – Campaign Manager

America’s biennial exercise in the most basic kind of math there is – counting – takes place today.  And while there is unlikely to be any really useful information about just how large Kang’s victory margin will be until after 8pm Eastern time, that will not stop the internet, radio, and television (to say nothing of telegraph and telex machines) from pumping out breathless horseshit that precisely no one will remember by midnight.  So instead of that, why not kick back and enjoy some election themed cartoons from The Simpsons (and its direct descendents)?

Here are some of the most appropriate episodes for the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November:

1.  Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

Campaign Signs

The quintessential election episode from Season 2, Burns’ run for governor contains such memorable scenes as the introduction of the hired political guns, the inimitable Charles Darwin infomercial, and Marge’s awesome defeat of Burns, which is so total that he’s “ruined before it hit the ground”.  Some memorable political quotes:

  • Burns: Oh, get off your soap box, Simpson, do you realize how much it costs to run for office?  More than any honest man can afford!
  • Campaign Manager: Now, here’s the problem as I see it, while Governor Bailey is beloved by all, ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as ‘Despicable or worse’.  That’s why we’ve assembled the finest campaign team money can buy.  This is your speech writer, your joke writer, your spin doctor, your make-up man, and your personal trainer.  Their job: to turn this Mr. Burns, into this.
    Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that?
    Campaign Manager: Because you’re smiling.
    Burns: Ah, excellent.  This is exactly the kind of trickery I’m paying you for.  But how do we turn your average Joe Six-pack against Mary Bailey?
    Campaign Manager: With this team of investigators: your muckraker, your character assassin, your mud slinger, your garbologist. 
  • Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent seems to think that the voters of this state are gullible fools.  I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgment.
    Political Reporter: Interesting strategy.  Good luck.
  • Lisa: Well, as long as I’m asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears that he’s contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable? 
    Campaign Manager: No, dear, the card question will be fine.
  • Burns: I love dogs, babies too.
  • Burns: Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers?  This anonymous clan of slack jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail.  That’s democracy for you.
    Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

2.  Lisa’s Substitute

School Campaign Signs

The school election is just a small part of this episode, but contains plenty of excellently cynical and sarcastic electioneering.  Some memorable political quotes and moments:

  • Bart: Aw, Dad, it’s just a popularity contest.
    Homer: Just a popularity contest?  Excuse me, what’s more important than popularity?
  • Bart: He says there aren’t any easy answers.  I say, he’s not looking hard enough!
  • Lisa's Substitute5 
  • Nelson: I didn’t vote.  Voting’s for geeks.
  • Lisa's Substitute7 

3.  Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

Mr Lisa Goes to Washington8

This one’s more political than strictly electoral, but it excels at making fun of the civic religion than is American democracy and government.  Some memorable quotes:

  • Nelson: So burn the flag if you must, but before you do, you better burn a few other things.  You better burn your shirt and your pants, be sure to burn your TV and car, oh yes, and don’t forget to burn your house.  Because none of those things could exist without six white stripes, seven red stripes, and a hell of a lot of stars!
  • Alabama Kid: My back is spineless, my belly is yellow, I am the American non-voter.
  • Bart: On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games.
    Homer: Yeah, right.
  • Congressman Bob Arnold: Tot shot always plays in the sticks
    Moe: Oh, it’s that nice.  Now there is a politician who cares.
    Barney: If I ever vote, it’ll be for him.
  • Lisa: Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
    Jefferson Memorial: I know your problem, the Lincoln Memorial was too crowded!
  • Lisa: The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp some two hundred years ago and very little has changed.  It stank then and it stinks now!
  • Marge: Imprisoned Congressman becomes born again Christian.

4 . Bart Gets an Elephant

This one isn’t so much electoral or political, but it does contain two perfect summations that still ring true today:

Republican Convention

And:

Democratic Convention

5.  Sideshow Bob Roberts

Sideshow Bob Roberts2

Along with “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”, this is one of only two times the show did an entire episode around electoral politics, and it is genius from start to finish.  We got Birch Barlow, Republican Party Headquarters (which Zombie Simpsons still uses to much less effect), and tons more.  Some memorable quotes:

  • KBBL Announcement: No sports, no rock, no information, for mindless chatter, we’re your station!
  • Birch Barlow: There are three things we’re never going to get rid of here in Springfield, one, the bats in the public library; two, Mrs. McFierly’s compost heap; and three, our six term mayor, the illiterate, tax cheating, wife swapping, pot smoking spend-o-crat, Diamond Joe Quimby.
    Quimby: Hey, I am no longer illiterate! 
  • Birch Barlow: This town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed tree huggers who would rather play hacky-sack than lock up the homeless. 
  • Burns: The mayoral campaign is upon us, and if we hope to defeat this Joe Quimby we need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy, a true leader who will do exactly as he’s told.
  • Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
  • Birch Barlow: Mayor Quimby, you are well known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime.  But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths, you try to open the door, but there’s too much blood on the knob!
    Mayor Quimby: What is your, ah, question?
    Birch Barlow: My question’s about the budget, sir.
  • Krusty: Well, he framed me for armed robbery, but man I’m aching for that upper class tax cut.
  • Lisa: I can’t believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few.
  • Public Records Clerk: Here you go, the results of last month’s mayoral election, all forty-eight thousand voters and who each one of them voted for.
    Lisa: I thought this was a secret ballot?
    Public Records Clerk: Meh.
  • Bart: Oh my God, the dead have risen and they’re voting Republican!
  • Sideshow Bob: Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

6. Two Bad Neighbors

Two Bad Neighbors6

Like “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington” this one is more political than electoral, but there’s been a Bush on the national ballot for six of the last nine elections, and plenty of people wanted Jeb to run this time.  Some good quotes:

  • Homer: Stupid president, why couldn’t he just stay in his own state?
    Lisa: Actually, this is one of nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency, Dad. 
  • Barbara Bush: George and I just wanted to be private citizens again, go where nobody cared about politics, so we found the town with the lowest voter turnout in America.
    Bush the Elder: Just happy to be here among good, average people, with no particular hopes or dreams.
  • Bush the Elder: Just gonna relax with my U.S. News and World whatnot, oh good, roasting the new guy:
    Two Bad Neighbors7
  • Bush the Elder: And since I’d achieved all my goals as President in one term, there was no need for a second.  The end.
  • Abe “Grampa” Simpson: Big deal, when I was a pup we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home.  Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.
  • Bush the Elder: Oh, if he thinks George Bush’ll stay out of the sewer, he doesn’t know George Bush.
  • Gerald Ford: Say, Homer, do you like football?
    Homer Simpson: Do I ever!
    Gerald Ford: Do you like nachos? 
    Homer Simpson: Yes, Mr. Ford
    Gerald Ford: Well, why don’t you come over and watch the game and we’ll have nachos, and then some beer.

7.  Much Apu About Nothing

Voting

The vote for Proposition 24 is more of a background issue in this episode, but it still has plenty of memorable moments.  Including:

  • Mob: Down with taxes!  Down with taxes!  Down with taxes! 
    Helen Lovejoy: Won’t you think of the children?
    Mayor Quimby: Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?
    Aide: Dumber, sir.  They won’t give up the Bear Patrol, but they won’t pay taxes for it either.
    Mayor Quimby: Ducking this issue calls for real leadership.
  • Lisa: Alright, now you’ve got all the Simpsons behind you, Apu.
    Apu: That’s nice, although three of you are below voting age.
    Homer: And I’m not registered.
  • Apu: Executive, Legislative, and, uh, Judicial.
    Homer: No, no and no!  Ugh, maybe we should start all over with the electrical college.
  • Homer: When are people going to learn, democracy doesn’t work!

8. Treehouse of Horror VII

Treehouse of Horror VII5

The “Citizen Kang” segment from Season 8 is wall to wall:

  • Homer: Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies, oh my God, Lyndon LaRouche was right!
  • Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman here with Campaign ’96, America flips a coin!  At an appearance this morning, President Clinton made some rather cryptic remarks which aides attributed to an overly tight necktie. 
    Kodos: I am Clin-ton.  As overlord, all will knee trembling before me and obey my brutal commands!  End communication.
  • Kent Brockman: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
    Kang: It makes no difference which one of us you vote for, either way your planet is doomed!
  • Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror!
  • Kang: Abortions for all.
    Crowd: Boo!
    Kang: Very well, no abortions for anyone!
    Crowd: Boo!
    Kang: Hmm, abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
  • Kang: Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.
    Kodos: Yes, all they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.
  • Kang: The politics of failure have failed, we need to make them work again.  Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator Ka-, Bob Dole!
  • Kodos: I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent blood bath.
  • Kodos: It’s true, we are aliens, but what are you going to do about it?  It’s a two party system, you have to vote for one of us.
    Man: Well, I believe I’ll vote for a third party candidate.
    Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away!
  • Homer: Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.

9.  A Head in the Polls (Futurama Season 2)

Nixon Truth-o-Scope

Helping to ensuring that even those of us far too young to remember the evil heyday of Nixon will forever be traumatized by the man from Whittier, Futurama didn’t just bring Nixon back from the dead, they brought Nixon back from the dead and installed him as President of Earth.  Memorable electoral quotes:

  • Leela: There’s a political debate on.  Quick, change the channel.
    Bender: Hey, that’s what Fry said when we turned on the debate.
  • Leela: Look, I know there are no car chases, but this is important.  One of these two men will become President of the world.
    Fry: What do we care?  We live in the United States.
    Leela: The United States is part of the world.
    Fry: Wow, I have been gone a long time.
  • Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?
    Professor Farnsworth: The very instant I became old.
  • Professor Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is that they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.
    Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks!
  • Fry: I was gonna vote for you one time, but voting isn’t cool so I stayed home alone and got trashed on Listerine. 
  • Aide: You’ve got real charisma from the neck down.
    Nixon: Nixon, with charisma?  My God, I could rule the Universe!

10. Decision 3012 (Futurama Season 7)

Kick Nixon Around

Futurama 2.0 is clearly inferior to the original, but it’s been able to put out some very decent episodes, including this less than subtle political tale from earlier this summer.  Some of the better quotes:

  • Nixon: I promise to cut taxes for the rich and use the poor as a cheap source of teeth for aquarium gravel.
    Fry: Yeah, that’ll show those poor!
    Leela: Why are you cheering, Fry?  You’re not rich.
    Fry: True, but someday I might be rich, and then people like me better watch their step.
  • Morbo: Welcome to debate three-thousand twelve, the three-thousand twelfth debate of the 3012 election year.
  • Zoidberg: He may not be perfect, but do we really want some unknown new guy?  I’ll stick with the evil maniac I know, thank you.
  • Senator Travers: You really think I have a chance?
    Leela: Absolutely, we just need to conceal your intelligence and honesty in a hipper, dumber package.

11. All the Duke’s Men (The Critic Season 2)

Bill Clinton

Al Jean and Mike Reiss’s lost classic put together one of the best political satires of its time with this episode where Jay’s son Marty runs for class president and Jay’s boss Duke Phillips runs for actual President.  Great political quotes:

  • Devil Duke: That’s it, I’ll run for President, drop a whole mess of bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!
  • Duke Phillips: You think like the average Joe, the little guy making three hundred grand a year.
  • Mechanical Bear: I’m Bill Clinton; I urge you to work for Duke Phillips.
    Jay Sherman: That’s not Clinton, that’s just one of your mechanical hillbilly bears.
    Duke Phillips: Yeah, but so far nobody’s noticed.
  • Jay Sherman: I don’t know son, but you’ve got to try.  It’s what you promised the other kids.
    Marty Sherman: But all they want to do is goof off and eat candy.
    Jay Sherman: Well, son, as president, you’re above that.
    Flashback Reagan: I do solemnly swear that as your President I will goof off and eat candy.
    Flashback Crowd: Four more years!  Four more years!
  • Aide: Sir, the polls show you’re doing great with voters across the board, except women.
    Duke Phillips: Do they vote?
    Alice Tompkins: Yes, we do.
    Duke Phillips: Really?  Well, what about the Irish?
    Alice Tompkins: Them too.
    Duke Phillips: Uh-oh, better change these posters:
    Irish Suck, Vote for Duke
  • Reporter: Mr. Phillips, what do you say to those who claim this marriage is just an outrageous publicity stunt?
    Duke Phillips: I say gaze into the hypnotic power of my evil eye! . . . Is there a follow up question?
    Reporter: How may I serve you, evil one?
  • Duke Phillips: Now, I need you to write me a new speech.  The Guam primary is next week.
    Jay Sherman: Well, besides wanting to win, what exactly do you want to do for these people?
    Duke Phillips: Hell, I don’t even know what to call ’em, Guam-bats, the Guamish, Guammy Bears.
  • Reporter: Welcome to Decision ’96.  It’s eighteen months until the election and tonight we’ll focus on the Vice Presidential candidates.  Since this is so boring and pointless, we will periodically be inserting clips from Baywatch.
  • Duke Phillips: I’m Duke Phillips and from now on I’m speaking my own mind.  First, I’ll tell you what I’m really going to do as President, I’ll run this country like I run my company: I’m gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the ocean, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
    Ronald Reagan: Ooh, looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.

Any one or more of the above makes for fine Election Day viewing while you’re waiting to find out which alien planet we’ll be destroying after we’re all enslaved. 

18
Aug
12

Quote of the Day

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish7

“Burns, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to bribe me.” – Nuclear Inspector
“Is there some confusion about this?  Take it!  Take it!  Take it, you poor schmo.” – C.M. Burns

23
Nov
11

Compare & Contrast: Defeating the Bad Guy

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish6

“Wait, come back!  You can’t do this to me!  I’m Charles Montgomery Burns!” – C.M. Burns

As an audience member, there are few things more satisfying that a good defeat of a wretched villain.  Unfortunately, that also means when things go wrong, when the villain is bland or the ending is weak, it is correspondingly unsatisfying.  At the end of the “The Book Job”, Homer and his improbable posse use what Lisa describes as an idea from “every movie ever” to stymie a book publisher who, despite what the music would have you believe, isn’t all that evil.  I say “stymie” instead of “defeat” because it isn’t at all clear that what he’s doing is evil or that he’d be in any way displeased with the results; and I say “book publisher” instead of his name because he’s so bland he didn’t get a name.  By contrast, at the end of “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”, Marge permanently defeats Mr. Burns’ run for governor with nothing more than her wits and the three eyed fish that was in the first scene.

For a really enjoyable villain defeat, you need to have a proper villain do terrible things so that people really want to see him lose, which Zombie Simpsons naturally doesn’t.  The nameless book publisher doesn’t commit any crimes, hurts no one, and hardly seems all that evil.  What is his offense, exactly?  Editing a book that was deliberately made to be crappy and formulaic?  Only on Zombie Simpsons could rewriting mass produced schlock be considered a sin.

Evil Glasses, Eviler Cravat

The only evil thing about this guy are his fashion accessories. 

Mr. Burns, one of television’s great villains, hardly needs describing, so let’s just concentrate on what he’s trying to do in “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”.  After his plant miserably fails an inspection, he’s faced with a hefty but by no means ruinous repair bill.  Instead of spending money on fixing the plant, his response is to purchase the governor’s office so he can continue running his business in a manner that will one day render the planet uninhabitable.  The Simpsons being The Simpsons, it’s played for laughs, but when you think about what he’s trying to do it’s truly despicable.  The other guy just wants to sell a few books that, while low brow, don’t harm anyone and actually seem to make quite a few people happy.

Beyond his lack of evil though, the bad guy in “The Book Job” doesn’t actually get defeated.  At the end we see that the book, trolls and all, is quite popular.  The bookstore has given it lots of shelf space, and kids and geeks are reading it avidly.  Since all he wants to do is make money selling books, and he doesn’t care at all whether the book is about trolls or vampires, he’s actually won.  The million dollars he paid to Homer’s goofy gang of the suddenly hyper-competent is a small price to pay for the runaway bestseller and budding franchise he appears to have on his hands.

The opposite happens to Mr. Burns, who sees himself humiliated on television and his campaign for governor thwarted on the eve of success.  Best of all, Burns is defeated by his own villainy.  His disregard for polluting the water is what allows Marge to defeat him. 

In short, the nameless book guy isn’t evil and doesn’t lose.  Mr. Burns is unlimitedly evil and is utterly beaten.  One of those is a great ending, the other is Zombie Simpsons. 

24
Nov
10

Thanksgiving Programming Update

 Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish5

“Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon.” – TV Announcer

Everything is a bit of a duketastrophe here in the States on account of Thanksgiving.  But there will be a Crazy Noises tomorrow and there will quite likely be some kind of Reading Digest on Friday.  Please stay tuned for paid political announcements brought to you by the Friends of Kang & Kodos:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, I don’t know why YouTube is in stretched widescreen now.  Yes, here’s another one:

02
Nov
10

Quote of the Day

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish4

“Oh no, an election?  That’s one of those deals where they close the bars, isn’t it?” – Barney Gumble
“Sorry, Barney.” – Moe

01
Nov
10

Bonus Quote of the Day

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish3

“Mr. Burns, I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.” – Lisa Simpson
“She’s right.  Take me home, Smithers.  We’ll destroy something tasteful.” – C.M. Burns

Happy 20th Anniversary to “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”!  Original airdate: 1 November 1990.

05
Feb
10

Reading Digest: Charts & Graphs Edition

xkcddecline xkcd #523

“Visual aids help so much, thank you.” – C.M. Burns

This week we’ve got a graph about The Simpsons Movie and what must be one of the earliest examples of flow chart humor from none other than Matt Groening.  There’s also the rare case of double excellent usage, some very poor usage, some merchandise, and a security company that sucks at the internet. 

Enjoy.

Living in an abbr. world – Paraphrase or not, this is poor usage:

Now I must admit that I grew up in the 1980s as part of the MTV generation so my attention span is pretty limited. Even Lisa Simpson, in an episode of The Simpsons, commented that (and I’m paraphrasing here) “we grew up in the MTV generation so we have an attention span of less than a minute.”

That is just stunningly poor usage.  It mixes up two quotes, misidentifies the speaker as Lisa instead of Bart, and makes up the rest.  What’s worse the actual quote about the “MTV generation” is about experiencing neither highs nor lows, not having a short attention span.  Bart can’t remember what happened eight minutes ago, but that’s just because of television in general.

City’s biggest ‘Simpsons’ fan lives in Queens – Attention reporters, headline writers, or anyone who does anything approximating reporting or headline writing: Buying a lot of shit does not a Simpsons fan make.  That said . . .

Maggie Baby Shirt PINK SIMPSONS TSHIRT – MAGGIE SIMPSON – GIRLS SIZE 2 – This is an eBay item out of Australia.  I stole the picture because I think it’s a good example of what decent crappy merchandise looks like.  It’s a shirt for babies (assumedly female but in my experience kids that young don’t give a shit) with Maggie on it.  She’s fallen down (as she often does) and she’s thinking about Bobo (whom we know she adores).  In other words this shirt has something to do with the character we love.  It’s not Lisa surfing or Patty & Selma on the prowl for young men. 

Useless stuff that you don’t need but want anyway – Apparently you could buy the soundtrack to the movie in a plastic donut case:

When I first saw this delicious CD case I thought it was a cute idea. Then after reading the description a little further I realized that it is more of a collector’s item than a cutesy practical product. This doughnut case isn’t a frosted pouch that holds many discs in it’s adorable pinkness. No, it stores just one CD – the Simpson’s Movie Soundtrack. Really?? I think a doughnut case for numerous CDs would have gone over a lot better than a one-seater 3D pastry for a crappy soundtrack to a stupid movie.

Ah, but the merchandising was half the point of doing the movie.  I will say that if they had released a pink donut CD case fifteen years ago (when I still carried around CDs) I might have wanted one. 

The Good, The Bad, & The Summary – The Cleveland Cavaliers are having a good season.  John Hnat cannot decide which superlative Simpsons quote applies better:

I am not sure which Simpsons exchange applies more to the current Cavs. Either this one:

Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: Who do you find more attractive? Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson?

Judge: What is the point of all this?

Lawyer: I feel so confident of Marge Simpson’s guilt, I can waste this court’s time by ranking the super-hunks.

Or this one:

Homer (referring to "Reader’s Digest"): My favorite section is "How to Increase Your Word Power." That thing is really, really, really … good.

In other words, I’ve run out of superlatives. After watching a season and a half of the Cavs playing ball at a roughly .800 clip, I don’t know how else to praise them.

There are a couple of minor misquotes there (the magazine is technically Reading Digest not Reader’s Digest, the second line from the Lawyer is missing a few words), but they’re piffling.  Double excellent usage. 

My Top Five Favorite TV Mustaches … Ever: – Flanders is #1!  Hooray. 

Toys I live with… Kang and Kodos – Remember those Kang & Kodos dolls we noted months ago?  If you click on the link you can see what they actually look like out of the box.

The Bart Simpson Syyndrome – This is a blog post.  The blog is the official blog of a company that sells “security” gizmos.  It has been in operation for six months, it has eight total posts.  In addition to misspelling the word “syndrome” in the title it badly misquotes Bart:

"It wasn’t me man you can’t prove a thing".

Wow, that’s bad.  It’s one thing to get a quote wrong, it’s quite another to screw up a catchphrase and do it so poorly as to completely leave out the most famous part, “I didn’t do it.”  Therearenofollowers

The rest of the post goes on to tout the company’s surveillance cameras that allow you to feel like James Bond as you secretly spy on your employees, baby sitters, spouses, pets, houseplants and furniture.  As you can see from the image I grabbed at right, this half hearted stab at an on-line marketing trend that was all the rage five years ago has not yet attracted any followers.  Shocking. 

What People Remember From "The Simpsons Movie" – I find this amusing and basically accurate.  If anything the “SpiderPig” percentage should be larger:

SimpsonsMovieGraph Found on amiable_hacker’s cheezburger page via A Friday Night Spent Alone.

Sidekicks Who Rock – It’s a list of four sidekicks, two of them are animated, three of them are fictional and one of them is Milhouse. 

Event: Nancy Cartwright Talks Trash – This is a little too thin for one of our Alumni Update posts, but Nancy Cartwright will be playing in a charity poker tournament. 

Nelson Totally Looks Like Barney – I’d vote against this one (any two characters drawn Simpsons-style kinda look alike), but that’s just me. 

List ‘Em Carefully – The Top Ten Songs from The Simpsons – The bottom two spots are from Zombie Simpsons.  Everything in the top eight is from Season 7 or earlier.  I can easily think of two other songs to cleanse this of Zombie Simpsons (nothing from Shary Bobbins?), but it’s pretty good as it is.  (via Finicky Ears)

Your Guide to Modern Love!!! – Click the link for a chart Groening drew in 1982 for “Life in Hell”.  For all I know this has been kicking around the internet forever, but it’s new to me and it’s both cynical and funny as hell.  I particularly like the various endpoints (“Ahh—So what?”, “Whew—That was a close one.”, “Live [un]happily ever after”) and the fact that “Night of Passion and Romance” has three possible outcomes, “Ecstasy”, “Limited or no satisfaction due to ineptitude, flagging desire, or ickiness”, and “Weird dysfunction of some sort that’s never happened before.”  Found via Twisted Cultural Wreckage.

18
Oct
09

DHS Editorial: Monty Burns for NYC Mayor

“Get off your soapbox Simpson! Do you realize what it costs to run for office? More than any honest man can afford!” – C.M. Burns

Both the current mayor of New York City and his predecessor attempted to stay in office for a third term.  Rudy Giuliani was thwarted in his attempt, Michael Bloomberg had the foresight to change the rules well in advance and now looks set to hold his job past what terms limit laws originally dictated.   As five time voters for Mayor “Diamond” Joe Quimby, The Dead Homer Society is, quite obviously, opposed to term limits in all their forms.   However, that does not mean that Mr. Bloomberg is the most qualified candidate in this fall’s New York City mayoral contest.

Mr. Charles Montgomery Burns has proven time and again that he is an effective administrator.   He was an early, albeit unintentional, advocate of homosexuals in the work place, and his generous hiring policies also extend to water fowl and recent immigrants.   His business acumen, legal adroitness, and managerial potency have allowed him to successfully navigate the often rocky shoals of American business since early in the last century.   Despite ruthless and repetitive government investigations he and his exemplary operation have never suffered a single legal setback, a remarkable track record in this day of incorruptible and diligent public officials.

A man of science, his character was proven on the battlefields of Europe before he returned home to master the atom.  He is also a noted sports enthusiast, whose knowledge of baseball extends well into the 19th century and whose jai alai skills are legendary.  But don’t think of this man as an elitist, he is a frequent guest at the homes of his beloved employees.

In short, Monty Burns is an American patriot and a titan of industry that hasn’t lost the common touch.  His qualifications and lifetime of achievement more than make up for the fact that he is fictional.   We heartily endorse Mr. C.M. Burns for Mayor of New York City.

11
Aug
09

Spurlock’s Choice

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish2

The latest polls indicate you’re in danger of losing touch with the common man.” – Burns for Governor Campaign Manager
“Oh dear, heaven forfend.” – C.M. Burns

A couple weeks ago thetwocents.com had an interview with new Simpsons power broker Morgan Spurlock.  The whole thing is worth reading, but there is one thing I wanted to flag.

Q: What will the special entail?
MS: Well, for me I think that the special will entail kind of us talking about the history of this show. I think the reason that they called me to begin with was to not have a show that would kind of be a glad-hand, pat everyone on the back special. We really want to dive in and find the interesting people, the interesting stories, the things that are a little more than just like a typical kind of “look how great we are” kind of special. And so for me, that’s why really trying to root it in the fans and the people who really kept this show on the air for the last 20 years I think is important and kind of hearing how people have been affected by this.

He’s saying the right things here, but I’ve got my doubts.  Obviously he’s not going to produce the kind of Zombie Simpsons hit job that would cause me to stand up and applaud.  I’m okay with that and certainly the show deserves to be celebrated; but if he’s really serious about “root it in the fans” he’s going to run into the fact that a lot of self described fans will say that the show isn’t even remotely as good as it used to be.  Not everybody takes that opinion as far as we do here, but it’s common enough that I’d have no trouble calling it the majority opinion.

Obviously I have no idea what Spurlock’s special is going to be like, but when it comes to the treatment of the decline of the show he’s really only got three options:

  1. Ignore it – Just stick his hand down FOX’s trousers and jerk them off with how great the show has always been, how smart and relevant it still is after all these years.
  2. Acknowledge it but argue against it – This is the tack the show itself has usually taken over the years, starting with the Poochie episode.  “Who are you to criticize us?  We’re The Simpsons!”  It’s rarely as funny as they think it is and it’s always arrogant.
  3. Acknowledge it and at least kinda embrace it – The show has taken this approach at times as well, most prominently in “Behind the Laughter” where they wink at the camera and acknowledge that, yeah, things have kinda sucked.

The closer he gets to #3 the more honest the special will be, though my money would be on some weak sauce version of #2 with #1 as a distinct possibility.

Ultimately this isn’t important in the least.  This special is going to air on FOX once and then pretty much disappear down the memory hole.  But if it’s going to be about the fans there’s no getting around the fact that many/most self described fans think the show has significantly declined in quality.  Even the awesome and indefatigable Adam at Simpsons Channel thinks so.  From the comments on this post:

If I hadn’t learned to TRY to enjoy every remaining episode this site would have been dead in the water long ago

C’mon Spurlock, don’t ignore us.  We don’t want much, just a little recognition of our viewpoint.

Q: What will the special entail?

MS: Well,

for me I think that the special will entail kind of us talking about the history of this show. I think the reason that they called me to begin with was to not have a show that would kind of be a glad-hand, pat everyone on the back special. We really want to dive in and find the interesting people, the interesting stories, the things that are a little more than just like a typical kind of “look how great we are” kind of special. And so for me, that’s why really trying to root it in the fans and the people who really kept this show on the air for the last 20 years I think is important and kind of hearing how people have been affected by this

16
Feb
09

Quote of the Day

“Well if I was governor I’d sure find better things to do with my time.” – Homer Simpson
“Like what?” – Marge Simpson
“Like getting Washington’s birthday and Lincoln’s birthday back as separate paid holidays.  ‘President’s Day’, pffft, what a rip off.” – Homer Simpson
12
Feb
09

Quote of the Day

“Oh, hello Charles.  Be a good fellow and tell our viewers about your Theory of Natural Selection.” – C.M. Burns
“Glad to, Mr. Burns.  You see, every so often Mother Nature changes her animals giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs, or, in this case, a third eye.” – An Actor Portraying Charles Darwin



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